People Who Are Too Nice That You Could NOT Imagine nor Fathom Them Doing Wrong (and the like)

MUST admit that I am thinking on this a lot haha
I am honestly okay now. I am not hurting and I feel like I am nearing towards brightness,
towards the happiness I used to finish. I know I am damaged but I may always be patched
up. Yes, it will take time and tons of overloading effort and ways to do so, but I will be
whole again. I do know that.

I am just thinking about why he did so though. Just wondering in my mind why things
came to that certain point.

My thoughts on this and with the things that has happened or are still happening (?) are
still on point. It just makes me think not as often as before and okay I still do stalk with
his social media accounts just to somehow keep on track and see if he's feeling still.
That's what I worry or wonder the most about. I want to KNOW firstly what he feels.
Is he sad? Broken hearted? Worried about me? Scared? Happy? Free? or what? I just
need an answer to that question maybe not exactly what but at least and idea what he's
feeling. Another is what he's thinking. Scratch that. Is he thinking about me? Every night,
everyday, sometimes, often? Next is what is is he planning to do? We are (I have not
decided yet) unfortunately/fortunately transferred to the same section which is the cream
or star section of our batch. So that probably means that I belong to the top forty students
in our batch. So that out of around 650++ students. Which is something to be proud of and
actually HAPPY about but I'm not. And my friend Kim told me to act civil and just not
let everything bother me. Heart even said that I should not be doing shitty things just
because of some stupid asshole and he is goddamn right!

I must regain my sense of optimism and everything good in me!!!
I can do this and I have survived through worse and I KNOW I CAN DO THIS



I BELIEVE IN MYSELF

March 21st 2O14

Today was supposed to be the day full of fun, laughter, jokes and partying but it turned out to be the day of complete sorrow and bad vibes.

We didn't see each other during the morning nor did he tried communing with me. Last night, I sent him this malaNOBELA message over Facebook and I was just SEEN ZONED. FUCKERY. TOTAL BULL CRAP

SHITTY LIFE. SHIT SHIT SHIT. CRAP. CRAPPY

So we just went on preparing for the debut of our friend. Bought flowers at Dangua, changed at Lumera and drives our way through coding window, had McDonald's and went to Romulo. Bogs and I just spoke outside the car in the parking lot. He told me how he is so immature and effortless towards me. I was stupid how I expected a lot from him. Fuck how it hurts how he didn't want to talk or whatever and it was full of crap.

So they told me about how Clark, Carlo and him were fighting. How we sent this long hugot message to the two boys where he felt that he was OP, that they weren't there for him when he needed them the most. So much hurtful thoughts flowed in mind. How he didn't trust me, how undeeded I am, how useless I was, how insignificant I am to his life. Like what's the us of me in his life if he didn't trust me enough that he opens his problems to me. What the fuck does that supposed to make me feel?! I tell you: CRAP. Life is so complex right now and how I wish he would just TALK TO ME SO THINGS WOULD ALLEVIATE FROM WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

I just cried in front of my three friends. Clark advised me that if I love him that much I shouldn't stop I should give up. He knows how immature he is and how he didn't know what to do but he assured me how much he likes me so I shouldn't give up. I said BUT wag siyang tanga. Ang Hirap ng nakalutang lamang sa ere. I felt useless, used and crappy. 

So we just went through tepee debut. We even thought thatCarlo and him weren't gonna come but surprisingly they did. I was pretty shocked because I just came from the comfort room when they suddenly were there approaching the door. We didn't talk to each other. We didn't.  He didn't say a word and I was like FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?! 

After the debut we went to Space to go clubbing and when the first batch went in I immediately grabbed a bottle of mixed vodka and just drank my feelings away until he came in and I couldn't be able to drink anymore. He didn't like that I drank. 

So they were seated on the couches but I didn't want to sit with them. Carlo suddenly asked me if I wanted to take a shot and I was like yup I totally do and so he told me to like sit near them and foolish of me I DID sit near them. I wished I didn't. So Gef was handing out shots and then to me. He first asked me if i wanted a shot and I was like yeah. And he looked at me with the YOURE TAKING A SHOT?! And I was like UUUGH YEAH. and he gave me the look ARE YOU SERIOUS?! And I'm like DUUH WHAGCHA THINK?! And he rolled his eyes looking away. So Gef was handing out the shot to me and he pushed his hands away so that I wouldn't take the drink. And I was like WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY DO YOU EVEN SERIOUSLY CARE FOR ME OR JUST FOR SHOW OR WHAT?!!!! ANG LABO MO PARE SOBRANG LABO MO. Clark sat back in between us and I suddenly cried and cried and went away and cried and went back. I told Carlo to bring me home already. So Clark and him went with us. We were just at the back seat not saying anything. Not a word. I even gave hints for him to talk to me but nothing. When I got home, I went immediately to my room and just broke down crying, I cried and I waited for a text but nothing. Nothing at all.

March 22nd 2O14

I've been hurt before and I'm hurting again because of love.

Love makes you foolish. Love makes you stupid. Love makes you do reckless things. Loves doesn't let you think of the actions you did before you do them. Love makes you blind. Love brings out things in you that you never expected from you. Love makes you happy too. Love makes cherishes you. Love makes you feel cared for. Love makes you chase for what you want. Love makes you need. Love makes you whole.

Love isn't always supposed to be happy. There will always be arguements, misunderstandings, problems and hurting. But at the end of the day, these things happen because you love and because you are loved.

Today, I cried so much I thought I was going to suffocate and just fully break down. Thank God I didn't. I just cried my heart out.

It hurts that he just left. I mean yes he spoke telling me "Tin, submit ko lang yung project then dorm para gumawa ng project. INGAT" and said goodbye to everyone. And I couldn't look at him. I really couldn't. When he was leaving I just started to cry. I cried and I cried and I cried. He even came back to where we were to say good bye again and I was just there facing my back on the door and to him just crying. He didn't even realize that I was crying. He just said goodbye once again and just left. It hurts that he didn't do anything. That he didn't even talk talk to me. I was expecting he would. I wanted him to but he didn't.

I was left with my friends them just being there for me and I appreciated it so much. I am thankful for having them. Den left so it was just me, Clark and Bogs. Then Heart came. 

I wanted to go home so bad so they hailed me a cab to Magnolia so I could meet my mom half way. When I got in the cab, I just felt so alone and thought about the hurt and I cried again. I pulled myself together as we approached the mall. I got down and just walked around, ate ice cream and bought chips and H2O. My mom then fetched me. Went to facial and got home. I just changed, wrapped myself in my blanket and just watched movies and slept. 

So much feels. So much expectations and I shouldn't have. It felt so hard on me that everything is like this. How much hints I gave but he just wasted everything. He is WASTING time, efforts, the chance and just everything. 

And Sometimes...

All a girl needs is the assurance that:

a. You do love her

b. You will not leave her

c. You will care for her

d. You will be there for her

e. You will still love her tomorrow

A Big Big...

SIGH

I'll be honest. So let me admit this now. I am hurting a lot with how he is. I am now weak. I am not as strong as I was before. It feels like I've been consumed by the ones who haunted my past and now, I can not give to the one person who truly deserves it as much as I want to give more.

It is hard. I do not know if I need to be more understanding, forgiving, selfless and mindful of him. I'll carry the pain. I'll learn to shut down too. I'll learn to keep things to myself too. I'll learn to not to tell you everything and I'll learn to reply longer. I'll learn not to yearn. I'll learn not to seek.

I will not just learn but I will do all those starting now.


And let's just see how you'll feel.

March 10 2O14

It has been nine days since we last held hands.

Wow. I seriously counted that. 

I mean, holding hands has been our thing since Valentine's day. It feels safe and really nice holding each others' hands like we did not care about how others thought about us or anything. It was how we expressed our feelings for each other.

It's different when we hold hands. It's not just the mere act of it but for me it is so much more. It's being proud that you are with that person, it signifies how much you value the person you are with that you would want them in your life. It somehow signifies possession that she is yours and the other way around. It signifies love in so many ways. It's as if everything fits perfectly whenever your hands meet and interlocks. Isn't? And the feeling you get whenever you hold hands with someone. It's as if it were the first time all the time. Butterflies suddenly flutters in your tummy, your heart starts to race, your eyes starting to glitter and your cheeks flushed with color.

I miss this. I miss the sweet side of him. I miss the caring him. I miss the real talks. I miss the kilig he makes me feel. I miss the effort he puts into things. I miss being the attraction of his eyes whenever I am mixed within a crowd. I miss his voice that assures if I am okay. I miss the hands that used to hang on my back. I miss the fingers that gives warmth to mine.

All I want in a relationship is honesty, trust, love and consistency. Without these things, you would slowly lose me. I believe in the saying that if you want someone to stay in your life, you have to make an effort to make them stay. Do not take them for granted nor forsake them. Remind them that they are loved and make them feel cherished, for when they leave, the fault would be on your side. You did not give them enough will to stay. Despite the safety I give to people, do not ever take me for granted. Not because you'd get the assurance from me that I wouldn't leave, I eventually will if you do not take care of me. Never be complacent with the person you love.

I have a long stream of patience and a height of understanding but do not ever push me to that limit. I will become used to it, numb and eventually I will have the strength to say no, to say that this is enough and I WILL leave. 

Please. I am giving him seven days to realize his mistakes. I hope he does. I will just reciprocate how he would treat me as of now and I just hope that he would become sensitive enough to feel that I want more. That I NEED to feel that he does care for me and that he would change his ways to make me stay and to keep me with him.

All I need is the feeling of being cherished every moment that you can and I hope this is not too much to ask.

I hope and all I can do is to hope.

16.5 out of 18

A must read:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/03/18-struggles-only-over-thinkers-will-understand/

HOW THE HECK DID THIS POST TOTALLY KNOW ME?!

I MEAN LIKE THIS TOTALLY DEFINE THE OVER-THINKING SIDE OF ME

LIKE WOAH. So let's enumerate and critique every single number on this list

1. Your need to find meaning in everything usually culminates into crafting conspiracy theories about what the period placement in a text means.

Yups. Nothing is ever just simple as a smile, a yes, a no, an answer to a question or a grin of whatever. Everything for me has meaning. Like I assure everything if i ask if you're okay and you say you are, I will somewhat still insist if you're really telling the truth and sense if one is telling the truth. I think that it's hard nowadays to just simply take in whatever someone's answer is. Well okay one si of being an over-thinker is not everything is simple. There will ALWAYS be something behind everything. HAHA 

2. You end up making every situation in your life about 100x more difficult than it has to be.

I hate to admit this but YES. Things are somewhat just easy just as decidin if you'll be walking down this or the other side, picking out an outfit for the day and most especially solving mathematical problems. HAHAHAHA! Whenever I encounter certain problems especially if it pertains to my love life, I will seriously make things kinda complex. I mean like whenever I'm in that certain situation I suddenly blank out because when my partner explains shit to me I'd be like jumbled in my mind and thinking that OH. SO THATS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT NOT THE ONE I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHICH IS WAY TOO FRUSTRATING. Like why do I have to make things complex (at times) when things could be easier if dealt with a certain way. And especially when I'm on PMS. OH THINGS GET UGLY FOR ME HAHA

Sooooooo.... This situation butts in the saying that I MAY SEEM TO HAVE A STRONG YET SWEET PERSONALITY BUY OK I LACK THE STRONG PART. UGH. How I wish I'll be able to like build up that inner strength which would enable me to deal with situations on a former manner and in a stronger one where I would not be beaten up emotionally and mentally.

3. You cannot let anything go, because you’re convinced that if you just run over the details a few more times, you’ll finally uncover some new understanding of the situation or it will somehow change the outcome.

This is partially true of me. I mean like if I feel like something isn't as it seems I'd definitely insist and annoy the hell out of people and things. To mention: this does not only apply to over thinkers but also to people who has a strong sense of sensitive feelings towards people and situations *bow*

4. You’ve probably never been sure about a thing in your life. You’ve approached everything from choosing a school and a partner to your outfit in the morning and brand of bread at the grocery store with equal levels of angst.

This totally does not apply to me haha! I'm sure that I've applied at the right university, chose the right course, and more. 

5. You could get a Master’s degree in interpreting what the song lyrics people post really mean.

Perfect example was his post "Just bent... :]" 

C'mon dude. That lyrics is sooo Pink and Nate Russeu. And that smiley?!?!?! What the eff man! Are you seriously going to use that??? Like hello i feel like he's saying that we're not whole anymore just because of a petty crappy thing and now you're turned off?! Ouch man. OUCH

6. Though your critical thinking skills are pretty on point, the toughest reality you’ve had to come to terms with is the fact that, simply, not everything has a deeper, secret, hidden meaning that everyone knows but you.

Everything has meaning :( As much as I want to keep things simple, everything seriously has meaning. A simple response or reaction to certain situations have meaning. Like why would you respond in certain ways, act as such becaaaaaause there is an explanation to everything one does! 

7. You’re constantly thanking the friends who stick around to hear you mull over the same details of a situation or relationship again and again, and though you never really arrive at a different conclusion, just the act of overthinking is enough for you.

I love to release what's inside but only to the people whom I trust and I know who would be able to help me and would not judge me nor spill the beans to anyone. I still believe in the saying that you must be very careful in everything- especially in choosing the person whom you would trust. 

8. Constantly having to consult your other friends with screenshots and vivid details of any chance occurrence in your life is daily routine for you.

Noooooot everything in life of course like what I ate during breakfast lunch and dinner, when or how I took a bath eww!! 

9. It doesn’t matter what word someone used, if there’s any way you can spin it to mean something more, you will. You’ll take the fourth definition of it in the dictionary, apply it to your worst trait and spend the rest of the day reeling.

HEHEHEHEHE only if that someone is my special someone, family, close friends or enemies 😈

10. You are known to regret texts, hesitate over writing emails, delete and re-write tweets, all because you could and should have said something other than what you did and will.

THIS IS MY FORTE IN LIFE. Almost every single post in all my social accounts (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Blogger, Tumblr, Yahoo, Gmail etc.) have been rewritten, deleted, reposed, edited, and every editing possible has been done! I always want to have the perfectly fitting words out there to express me and so as to sound more complex and understood by all. I do not want to be misinterpreted for the tweets I make or judged for Instagram posts and such.

11. Your hangover after a night out drinking is nothing compared to the fear of what you could and probably did say to that one person you do not want to look like an idiot around while you were drunk.

Those: CONVERSATIONS PLAYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD LIKE A BROKEN RECORD. I seem to have lagged thoughts and responses. I would regret thinking later on that this is what I should have said and what more I should have said.

12. Sleep is the most difficult aspect of your life, because laying silently in the dark is the only time you aren’t distracted enough to not be able to sink into racing thoughts.

As I lay on my bed quiet, trying to sleep, then all the solid thoughts flow in to mind and takes me hours longer before I fall asleep just thinking about them

13. You convince yourself that the worst case scenario will come true in basically, y’know, any scenario.

I describe myself as an optimist though there are times where all I could think about are the downfall of every situation like people sicken by me, loathing and soon enough leaving me. Those sort of things. It's just that sometimes, I seriously can not help but think that just because of one mistake people get turned off by you and with that slight misjudgement they start to loathe you and they'd be hurrying up to get out of your life.
Sooo that doesn't so optimistic of me ha ha

14. Social media is a minefield for you. You are certain every subtweet has something to do with you, even if it’s from a stranger, that so-and-so used that emoji because they’re flirting with the love of your life and so on and so forth.

Why does this totally define me??? Especially if my someone special tweet. TOTALLY TRUE UUGH EW @ME

15. If someone ever breaks up with you/declines to go out with you, you convince yourself it’s because of a hundred inconsequential missteps you made.

Mhmmmm. Like hello? What else could be the reason?

16. You often find yourself proudly stating to your friends that you “figured out” what someone “really meant” by something, only to have them laugh and say “you are so overthinking this, I can’t even right now.”

Mhmmm because it sometimes feel nice to rub it in someone's face HAHA. KIDDING. But yeah

17. You end up torturing yourself over every other banal side comment someone makes because obviously there is some meaning to be uncovered, it’s clearly just a matter of thinking about it until you find it.

Always. It's just that most of the time, people don't usually say what they really feel or think so they end up saying crap and behind it is the true meaning of what they really think or feel.

18. God forbid anyone unfollow you on Twitter or Instagram, because you won’t sleep until you figure out who it was and why.

And that is why sites like who.unfollowed.me and the app Instafollow has been created by over-thinking geniuses! All you have to do is unveil the why in their actions.

March 2nd 2O14

I have never expected to dig up that side of me when I was still in high school - that part of me where I regretted the most where I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I thought I was making myself happy, despite me knowing that it was immorally wrong and just plain wrong (up until it was legalized in some parts of the world). I honestly went through four partners. I was happy but now, I totally regret that I gave in to that temptation. 



 When I graduated from high school and ended it with my last which was during the early parts of my first semester in college, I wanted to dig it way behind me and get rid of every memory, every evidence and every anything that could relate me back to them. I wanted it out of my life. I wanted it erased from my being and everything that has to do with getting it away from me. But I couldn't. All I could do was hide it and to keep it hidden for life.

I must admit that at some of those times I was happy but then most of it, I was living in my dark years. I was more selfish, cruel, ruthless, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful, disobedient and so much more that would NOT have happened if I did not give in to temptation but I did. But it is all over now thank God. I learned from my mistakes and will keep in mind to keep strong and think straight.



So today, that side of me was brought to light. When Charlene and I saw each other a couple of days back, she asked me if he knew about her. And I was like uhm no. I honestly did not know how to open it to him. I was even afraid of telling him because things might change especially with how he would think of me, see me and treat me. I was afraid of somewhat losing him. I thought about things changing if I tell him. I thought about him pulling away if I did say the truth. I thought about him changing how he would treat me. I thought about negative things that he would think if I tell him and so much more. But what I thought of mostly is this: WHERE IS HONESTY AND TRUST IN OUR RELATIONSHIP IF I DO NOT TELL HIM. NOTHING WOULD PROGRESS AND OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULD NOT BE GENUINE IF I DID NOT LEARN HOW TO BE HONEST AND IF I DID NOT FULLY TRUST HIM. I strongly believe that a relationship is based on trust and honesty. If those two are not present or evident in a relationship, then that 'relationship' is no relationship at all. That so called relationship would not work. It would not last nor would it be worth it. In a relationship, both partners must learn how to be honest despite whatever you think the outcome would be and to learn how to trust in your partner.

 Without fear, with honesty in mind and a strong heart, I finally told him. I was really nervous. But I just did it anyway. And he just nodded. He still accepted me after what I told him. I asked if he had side comments, comments, or whatever he wanted to say but he did not say anything. I was still nervous that time but maybe he really didn't have anything to say. He just said that it was okay. I felt like it was no big deal for him. I was glad that things did not change. He still remained as the sleepyhead he is and he still had his arm hanging on my bag, his hands clasped around mine and his smile angled towards me.

Fifty-five

... Days into the year twenty fourteen and so far, things has been great.

Honestly speaking, my twenty thirteen ended well especially during the ber months. So much has happened, good and bad, but what sprouted during December made up for the eleven months of twenty thirteen. 

Rewind to December 2013: Tears had been shed, laughters have been shared, jokes have been said and so much. From stressful examinations, continuous expenses, parties, catching up with everyone and so much more, I must say December was truly awesome. But what made it amazing was when everything started on a different scale with him. Unexpected, yes. It really was because I never thought that a friend could be your lover after months of just being friends with no malice or anything or the fact that we both had someone in our lives, though mine ended earlier (June - July) than his (August 2012 - November 2013). We have been teased together during the first months of knowing each other and I did notice that we seemed to be close to each other like there was his energy pushing us together. Haha. Like every time the barkada goes to lunch or whatever we always seem to unknowingly sit beside each other. When walking to class we sometimes just end up walking beside each other and all. I did not out any malice into it as well as him. It was just nothing. But in all honesty, there were countable times when I did admire him and all that I found myself attracted to him though I brushed it off. He was with someone really nice, sweet, charming and beautiful and I did not want to ruin whatever it is they had. I just thought that maybe this was just a phase like how I am with every guy. Well not all guys but I mean just a slight mishap in our friendship. I was mistaken though. So after our semester break, November, they were apparently broken up. Not fully but the girl broke it off with him. And I wanted to be a good friend and I wanted to be close to him. Like we've known each other for six months then and I didn't feel like we were really friends. I wanted to nurture that friendship and make it whole so I came to him with how I heard that they're broken up now that I was there for m and kinda teasing him to tell me the story of how things happened and all. I didn't like, likeim that time. I was just being friendly. BUT the thing is, he wasn't like the easily trusting person and so he didn't tell me what happened. And I just understood him. It wasn't like people just say things and tell things out of the blue or to whoever. I understood how discreet and personal he was. 

So every December, we have this annual exchange gift. I was clueless this year who picked me as my secret Santa. Really really clueless HAHA. And so during our Pre-Christmas dinner we hado ur revelation. And amazingly, he picked me. Fate? But anyhoo it was really cute because he placed so much effort in picking me a really cutey Christmasy sweater and this planner inside a PINK rectangular box, personally and carefully wrapped in green Christmas wrapper by him. Attached was a letter with how he picked his present and telling me that he will tell the Zy story when we had time :) It was really REALLY sweet and I applauded him for that. That was the first incident wherein I saw a guy really putting effort into giving a girl a Christmas gift (considering I was only a friend :) ) So that really made early December a blast for me :) It felt really nice and I really felt good.

So that was early December then came mid December. The a couple of days before the last day of school before Christmas break. We were invited to one of our blockmate's debut in Mandaluyong. We were there and he was also there. We had fun that's for sure and I must say that he looked really sharp. He had to leave a little early since he was also invited to another debut and I honestly didn't want him to leave. I wanted to spend more time with him, talk to him, dance with him and just enjoy the night with him. I didn't really understand how I felt like why am I feeling these all of a sudden? It was really weird yet I just once again brushed the feeling off. So that was it. I just let the night pass though I seriously did enjoy. I even had a picture with him and deep inside, I felt butterflies in my tummy and happiness all over :)

So the night ended with him and a friend brining me to where I was supposed to be picked up. We started texting then and really communing especially during the last day of classes. So I was supposed to help him pack at his dorm but he suddenly vanished and just texted saying how sorry he is that I won't be able to help him pack anymore since it was really messy in his dorm, how unorganized things were and how he had so much more things to do with so little time. I replied saying okay okay and all that good luck packing stuff and he said sorry once more. In short, we didn't really have a proper goodbye when he left. 

So my friend, Carlo, had problems with his best friend which is also a close friend of mine named Clark. He confides me with all his problems. I understood him and I tried my best to be a great friend by listening to him, giving advice, helping him out and just lifting him to shed away the sadness and the sorrow he was feeling. During the night of the twenty first of December, we Skyped. We spoke about his problems and all then we suddenly started talking about him. Carlo then figured out, well he actually assumed that I had feeling for him. And I was like WHUT NO I DO NOT!!! But Carlo was really insisting that I did. And waaaaay deep deeeep down I did have feelings for him yet I didn't realize it not until Carlo made me realize that I had feelings for him. This was a real shock for me. It was the first time that other people realized this for me instead of me realizing it for myself. I wasn't this dense nor numb when it comes to love life. It was really crazy and all but at the end of his teasing and pushing, he made me admit that I did have feelings. Feelings for him. Apparently, that same night was his flight back to his hometown in Davao-General Santos. And Carlo had this bright idea of adding him to the Skype conversation. So I called up Anthony and asked if we could Skype when he gets home and he was up to it. We waited for him to arrive home which was really really really late since his flight got delayed for five hours and all that hassle stuff in the airport. So Carlo got sleepy and he left me to wait for him to Skype. (Newsflash!!! I bet Carlo was faking his sleepiness just to leave us two to Skype -_- which I must say was a brilliant master plan that I liked HAHA ) So then I told him how Carlo left me and all and I even suggested that we don't Skype anymore but yet he insisted :) So when he got home around one or two in the morning, he immediately connected to the Wifi and tried logging in to his account but sadly, the internet was really slow that time and he was unable to connect. I told him to rest instead because he was really tired and all but he gave it another go and tried connecting but still failed. I felt really kilig with how he still tried numerous times just to be able to Skype with me and only if it was with me :) I kinda felt like I had a chance? Like he might, MIGHT have feelings for me as well that it wasn't just one sides or whatnot. That really made my night. So in the end, we both just wished each other good night and slept.

The next day when I woke up, I got this text from him saying "I'm connected yay! Let's Skype!!" Read that text when I just got out of the bathroom so I kinda rushed dressing up just to Skype with him. That really made my morning :) There was this cute awkwardness with how we just stared at each other, smiled, then suddenly laughing, just observing what we can see through each others' screens, and sudden stories we could tell about what's happening with us. It was nice. It was just smooth, light and really really nice. He even opened up about his family's situation and it was nice how he seemed to have trust in me somehow to even share that. ESPECIALLY knowing how discreet he was with his personal life and how he is really choosy in trusting people. So sadly, conversation had to end since I had agenda with the PYC clan. But yet after that we seem to keep on texting each other. He was actually always texting me first then I texted him first at times too. He always kept on updating me with what was happening with him. I was even wondering why he did that. Though I say again: I kinda like him. BUT this was the first time I didn't know if the person liked me back. He was complex and really hard to read. You wouldn't be able to assume anything with him. This made me challenged. This made me work harder in knowing him and in reading him and like being able to know how his mind works, how he really acts, how he decided, and all those. He was different. A great kind of different. I knew him as a friend as someone who is holy, intelligent, sincere, kind, charitable and just a really nice person but in this part of our relationship, I wanted to know him as a lover and more. There were instances where I thought that maybe he does like me. These instances:

1. Everyday texts

2. Small hirits

3. Updates

4. Specific kind of conversations

5. Kwentos

And just the feeling of talking to him. It was amazing. I was incredibly happy even if I didn't yet know how he felt. Christmas passed and we still kept in touch. Then new year also came welcoming 2014 with a sweet light jumping ovation haha. I still dreamt of growing taller even just another inch or two. We still kept in touch. Still texting and knowing a handful about each other. Well that's how things really start. With texts and certain conversations right? So Christmas break was soon coming to an end and that means that school was fast approaching. A day before school resumed, I felt scared. I felt thing pang in my stomach of "What if this was just nothing and that once school starts, all those would end?". I felt that maybe this was all just for the heck of the break to keep in touch? I was afraid. So school came and it went well. I was nervous throughout the day especially when dismissal came. I was picked up from school and I took a deep breath and just sat in the car. I suddenly heard my phone alert for a text message and saw his name :) This made me smile and had a breath of relief. This was absolutely not just for the sake of break. I was thankful and grateful and joyous and ecstatic and excited and just jumpy all over because of so much happiness. The week went through like a waterfall. It was steady, strong and just kept falling and falling and falling like how I was. The following week wash is birthday. I was still unsure with how he felt but all I wanted to do was to make effort and just make him feel special on his special day (we only turn eighteen once in a lifetime) so I just wanted to do something special! It was a huge dilemma whether I'd just give him a present or just surprise him with cupcakes or surprise him with the barkada or surprise him personally. I asked the opinion of all of my friends who knew how I felt and they all advised me to surprise him personally then surprise with the barkada afterwards. They told me to make him feel that it was all my surprise and all the effort to make him feel. Haha. So I did. I prepared during the weekend and surprised him during the thirteenth :) I was all sorts of nervous the night before and during the day itself. It was the first ever extreme effort towards a guy and I just couldn't help myself but somewhat go all in but in control and to just make him feel special. Like really really special. So I came really early to school and prepared breakfast in their rooftop with the help of the one and only Carlo! Then we proceeded to his dorm room door where I lit up Sonja's red velvet cupcake (his fave btw) with cute candles and knocked on his door. And he answered the door and he was surprised hoora!! Success number one yayyy!!! :D And I felt like he was happy how his day started. So we just waited for him to finish dressing up and we rode the elevator. He thought that we were going to go to school but then I pressed the button which would lead to the rooftop. He sort of panicked when we were suddenly left alone in the elevator and proceeding to the roof deck haha. And he gave me that WHY look and it was totally adorable. So when we got to the top flood I lead him to the table where food was set and I made him have breakfast. We just stared at each other well I think I just stared at him while he ate everything. He was thankful and he got a little shy but I was happy he was. I fulfilled my goal which was to make him feel special, to make the day special and to make him feel happiness. I was happy he was happy. The day continued on to a great day! It was really really great. We had a couple more surprises for him and he was happy. I'm glad he was.

Two days after the surprise, I got pretty sick. I felt weak and tired of all the academic stress. I still went to school despite the weariness and when he saw me like this, he showed his caring side. He took care of me which was absolutely sweet. He made me feel cared for, like really really cared for and respected. He made me rest on his bed, fed me, gave me meds and just made me feel cared as if I was his only priority that day. It was nice like really nice :) After an hour's rest we were left alone in his dorm and I was awake. He then started this conversation where he wanted to tell me something. My heart started to pound heavily and fast (tachycardia???).  I felt it. THIS was the MOMENT I have kinda been waiting for. The moment of making things clear, the moment of truth. This excited me and made me suddenly miraculously WELL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

He was nervous. He really was. But that didn't stop him. He had the courage inside so he started on by telling me things about Zaireene and all those things that has happened. He told me how maybe things ended with them to make way for this (referring to us probably being something more than friends). ow he felt about sudden things. Why he started texting continuously and explaining how his actions were. And it just ended to this: 

GUSTO KITA, TIN.

were his actual words in verbatim. I could not help but feel butterflies, my body weakening with happiness and all the types of kilig from my toes to the tips of my ears. I even covered my face under the blankets because it was really cute and sweet at the same time and I was so thankful God heard my prayer.  He wasn't like the type who could tell everything and he was even amazed with hisself that he was able to tell me what he was really feeling. 

So I started responding by saying that obviously with my actions, I LIKE YOU. 

I felt like maybe I was too easy to get by reciprocating BUT it was how I felt and I didn't want to be fake. I even asked for it and I was at that moment and all I could do was to fulfill his happiness and to admit too how I was feeling. 

I even asked him since when did he had feelings for me and he said, around November. I was really surprised because Novemeber was pretty early that I did not expect that he felt that back when. It was amazing. He cured me hahahahaha. It was a memorable fifteenth of January. The most memorable even :)

After that moment I felt in my heart that this is something worth it. He is different in a way that made want to know him better, to be with him, to make me better and so much more I can no longer enumerate. He makes me happy beyond what I thought happiness could be. I felt that this is something that would go a long way. I felt the assurance that he was absolutely someone special that I would truly nourish, cherish and would fight for to stay in my life.

The days went by smoothly. Everything was slow yet it was at the right exact pacing things should be. I have been in relationships where everything went to fast that I thought just doing whatever made me happy and the other happy was good, that being impulsive wouldn't lead to consequences, that being selfish wouldn't hurt anyone but I was wrong. But now, I feel like I'm with a person who's making everything balanced and actually making me a better person. Bringing out what is good within me and shedding off the worst in me. 

February came and things were really great. I mean I was happy and with what I can see, so was he. I got to know him more and so I opened myself up to him too. We were building trust within each other, building a bond. Slowly but surely. No rush in anything, no pressure, no whatever that could ruin a relationship. We were creating a stable base. A stable foundation that would last a long time.

On Death

Death.... That would be my dear most end of pure happiness. I've got nothing to live for. I feel beats I feel unimportant and irrelevant in this world, especially with my family. So what's the use?? Better yet that I just did tomorrow and be over with it

Turning Tables

Tables have turned after those exchange if words.

It is always good to end the day with  happiness and have everything patched up.

It has been a rough morning with the father but I just brith out the perkiness in me and the shared the love to be able to bring all as one. Embracing each other was glorious. It felt whole. And after that my dad kinda teared up and I told him that I was sorry and that I love him and it felt good and I know he felt the same way. I love my dad despite everything. I'm just too self centered to think about his cause which is all for us, to be better people morally upright, wise and responsible and most especially ready for the future and all those decision makings. He does not want us to stray from the right oath but rather stay on it. There might be side tracks which are inevitable but with those side tracks I would take and have taken, I have been able to pick up a couple of lessons that had helped in my upbringing. 

I am just truly thankful that we've patched up. I am thankful for my loving and most caring father who has taught me everything that I know right now. I now he is not that pleased enough with me but I do hope that I would be able to live up to his expectations and make him proud once again. 

It Kills

Yes, it truly kills me to see firstly my mother crying, my father not communing, my little brother crying, my sister mad and my oldest brother just being him distant.

Today, I just witnessed his my little brother was torn because of our father. And I must say that I have cried over a hundred times because of how truly hurtful my father's words are and how he treats me and actually all of us. I do love my father that's for sure but most of the time, he's just really hurtful. I'm not sure if he's teaching us how to be strong or what, but whatever he's doing is not really working to make us stronger. I know he wants us to be the best that we can, to grow up morally and to be wise as he is to be able to make the right decisions and do the just things but his ways are, I may say, overboard. He hurts in order to teach. But can't he teach without hurting? There are gazillions of right ways to do it why not choose among those over the million of wrong ways to do so right?

When my little brother suddenly broke down in tears, I was so torn. He is such a strong boy, or should I say a strong man and definitely wiser than I am, but at that moment, he was suddenly a different person for he cried in front of me and all I could do was tap his back, embrace him and tell him to just breathe. I have been what he has been through and I definitely know the feeling. That exact hurt he felt, I still feel it. We love our father so much that we would sacrifice our life but this treachery if I may call it is just wrong. He is it the perfect father as he says and as his children we should understand but there is no going back in time when we haven't felt that certain hurt like do you even seriously love us? Cause if you do hurting us would not be your ways. We now envy the families of our friends whom we see are so happy. Like legit happy that you could not imagine them fighting, getting mad at each other or hidden desires to hurt one another and how we wish that we could be like them. That we could be whole. No gaps, no secrets, no negativities whatsoever. And I just hope and am praying that one day, we would reach that point of pure happiness. We should NOT wait for someone to be lost before things turn around right? Why not just make the most of the time that we have for each other and just be loving to one another, set aside all hate and just LOVE.

I still believe that one day, we would be in that state, but as of now, I guess we should all just suck it up, pretend a little and appreciate the tiniest bit of happiness even if it's not within all of us that we share our love. Smile towards everyone inspite of the silence breathing in the room and just try reaching out and conveying what you want to commune to ignite that feeling.

Loveless

BIt's Monday, the start of another week. 

I wonder what lies in front of me for this seven days ahead.

From my windowsill, I can see the trees being blown by the strong wind,

the clouds grey and the rain falling strongly from above and I wonder, 

why does the weather seems similar to how I am on the inside--

Downtrodden and gloomy.

I am able to hide what I really feel and just keep on 

a sweet smile, laughters and glittering eyes which masks

what is veridical.

I just can't quite grasp closure in me.

I mean I've accepted what has been done to me

and what I feel in to-- lies.

But that doesn't mean it stops there.

There is pain.

Pain which I want to just evaporate

like a bubble burst.

I'm even traumatized of what happened

and with that, I'm scared.

I'm scared not of him, not to feel such pain again 

but rather, I'm scared to give love once more.

I give love not expecting the same in return

but for that love to be appreciated and to be treasured

not misplaced nor forgotten.

I give love to make someone that makes me feel special and cared for

feel the same.

I give love for happiness

NOT for misery or sorrow.

If giving love results to such negativities,

then why give love?

If all would just let me down,

then why should I still give it?

I do not know when again this feeling or thought would vanish,

but as of now I don't think I'd be able to give it 

nor would I able to feel such again.

First Move, Check

Suddenly we were under one roof three four days ago. Rewind though....

We suddenly had a long weekend due to holidays and so our church friend decided to throw a long weekend pool party just to celebrate the long weekend and to have fun. So my little brother and I decided to go but then we wanted Cronuts so we went pick up some first and had dinner out. I was like okay let's ust dress up semi-pambahay super casual like I have no fucking care who sees me haha So I just pulled on a grey statement vneck and a pair of black shorts and black slippers and I was out! So were were finished with dinner and that was around seven thirty and we were kinda late already but what the its a party! So while we were getting the bill someone texted me and I was like who could this be and it was HIM. IT. WAS. HIM. MY HANDS SERIOUSLY SHOOK, MY HEART JUST BEATED CONTINUOUSLY AND STRONGLY, MY MIND WAS ON A HIATUS!!!! Holy fucking shit I look like crap and HE ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TONIGHT AND I WAS LIKE FUUUUUUUCK WHAT DO I REPLY I NEED TO GO HOME AND CHANGE AND LOOK ABSOLUTELY HOT AND AMAZING BUT BUT BUT NO ONE COULD BRING ME HOME TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS SUPER ON PANIC MODE BECAUSE HE WAS GOING HE WAS GOING AND THE FACT THAT HE TEXTED ME?!!!!!!!! I was soooooooooooooooo nervous. Ok. So I told him I was going and I asked him if he was and obviously he was too and he told me that HE HAD SOMETHING TO SAY THAT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING AND CLEAR THINGS UP OMG I WAS LIKE FUUUUUUUUUUCK FUUUUUCK KILL ME I DON'T WANNA GO ANYMORE HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA BUT OF COURSE I REALLY WANTED TO BECAUSE I NEEDE AND WANTED TO HEAR WHAT HE HAD TO SAY. I WAS WEAK IN THE KNEES, MY CHEST WAS GIVING UP ON ME AND JUST MY WHOLE SYSTEM STARTED TO LOOSEN BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOOO NERVOUS. MY HEART KEPT ON BEATING AND I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE US FINALLY SEEING EACH OTHER!!!!! But okay no choice I can not back out and I can't not go and not hear what he has to say right? So okay we went there.

He didn't reply to my text anymore cause my phone effing broke just my luck huh? So okay. I was there and I didn't know where he was. I was hoping he wasn't there yet. So when I entered the house he was nowhere to be found. So okay I could breathe again!!! Coast clear! So got to talk to people and  I had to per badly and I thought okay I'll fix myself in the bathroom. The restroom was located underneath the staircase so I was walking towards the door and someone suddenly came down from the stairs and of course I looked and IT. WAS. HIM. I SMILED AT HIM BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I JUST WALKED FASTER AND LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE THE RESTROOM. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA. AND WHEN I WENT INSIDE OMG OMG OMG HE'S ALREADY HERE FUCK IT. OK HE ALREADY SAW ME I CAN'T HIDE ANYMORE BUT I WILL DEFINITELY NOT APPROACH HIM FIRST HE HAS TO APPROACH ME FIRST LIKE WTF YOU TALK TO ME NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. SO OKAY WE WERE KINDA SEPARATED BUT HE KEPT ON LOOKING AT ME AND DEEP INSIDE THAT FELT REALLY NICE like wow he wants to talk to me and see me hihihihi. I'm really easy to please, to make happy and all that. I'm a softy inside ok going back!!!! Everyone swan already and I was like oh no no spare clothes but wth let's go swim!! *sings Icons Pop* I don't care I love it! :))) 

Okay I am too pumped well going back so my little brother decided to pass by home to g us towels and clothes and so I went on and swam. I started on by the steps and I kinda stayed there and he came towards me and he kinda talked to me. He asked if I wanted to talk and I'm like yeah. And he was still kinda acting stupid and saying bull cause all he did was ask. He asked me if I was still confused, if it was the same questions, if I'm still mad and all that but I told him I wasn't and that I still had the same questions in mind. So I went first by asking you guys are technically still together so what am I and he suddenly said that he broke it off last night. And I was like HALLELUJAH HE BROKE UP WITH HER FINALLY FINALLY BUT AS IF ITS GONNA CHANGE A LOT????? Well it did okay. So that was kinda it. And he said that if I'm still mad just let it out and I was like that was one time I said all that I had to say and he finally told me what his concrete plans are and how he wanted us to be. He told me that he wants to make it up to me, to make things better and for us to be how we were before all these problems and quarreling came up and that kinda satisfied me already and after that we acted okay. He held my hands often which made me smile a lot but he was still kinda "ashamed" and showing PDA towards everyone which in my part I think I should understand. Other than that it went pretty okay :) so I'm kinda happy with that I guess.

So after that night we didn't text as much because he said he was busy. Like really busy and I guess I have to kinda understand that I guess. And I kinda always text first nowadays but I think I have to stop. I don't know if he needs space or what but that's the only problem. He doesn't share how he feels still. He made the first right move by finally breaking it off with her. At least his problem with her is done and it kinda gave sense to whatever we are right? I'm not the third party anymore but I may be called the reason why he broke it off with his ex girlfriend right? :) So I am kinda happy with that but he is distant. I'm not really sure if he's just busy or he just is still distant or maybe he just find this awkward? Here we go again with the MAYBES and WHAT IFS. 

And the thing is it's his birthday tomorrow. I wantED to do something special for him  but I guess plans backfire all the time. I guess I shouldn't do anything special but I still want to make him feel special so I'll try with words and by greeting him at exactly twelve midnight later :) I just hope he feels that I'm serious with this. He had made me feel happy and special and I want to try and make this work. I mean there's nothing to lose. We could always just try and put effort into it but if it doesn't we can always remain friends. What's there to lose?

Wall Post: Did He Stay?

Today's Today and Let's Just Be Once Again Reminded of Torment

Just read a man's statement shirt saying:

IF IGNORANCE IS

BLISS

THEN WHY

AREN'T YOU HAPPY?

Thinking about it why would someone be happy when they are being ignored

Especially being ignored by someone you love.

Incorporating this with my situation right now, I hate how people ignore each other and it does not even solves the situation whatever it is instead it makes it a lot worst. Not talking leads to no good because you don't get to know what the person really feels and without words, how can you solve something without words?

And right now, I feel like a fool. I'm being ignored for I don't know what reason and I just want him to talk to me. And yeah for almost half a month all I have been babbling about is him and this is just absurd. This isn't like me and I think that having these arguments with him has mad me fall for him somehow? Because I also wonder to myself why would I be that affected if I'm not totally into that guy right?

I'm just still so frustrated with everything and gosh I just hope this would end already.

Good Morning News?

Okay so I admit. I am such a huge stalker only because I do not know things and the fact that we do not have common friends. This is the only way I could check things and know some this. By stalking. I can say that this sounds really wrong and somewhat disgusting in a sense that EWW WHY AM I DOING THS? I seriously do nt want to look sodesperate and shit but this is the only way. 

So okay. The girl's Twitter description is:

Instagram @asdfghklh

@GUYSNAME's 

Okay and I just checked her Twitter now and the "@GUYSNAME's part has been removed.

SO

OH

MY

FREAKING

GOSH

HAVE THEY SERIOUSLY BROKEN UP NOW?!!!!!!

I mean IS THIS FOR REAL SOMEONE PLEASE CONFIRM THIS TO ME

I NEED TO KNOW. 

I NEED SOMEONE TO CONFIRM THIS 

I NEED HIM TO TELL ME!!!!!!

Okay I don't want to jinx this but wow. I just felt a little bit of relief when I saw this. 

I am just a little bit excited to know

I hope he texts me already though. 

He hasn't replied to my super-slightly-angry-bitch-mode-ON-in-your-face-don't-be-dumb text.

Dumbass, Think Better

I have poured myself out to you and what do I get? Nada. I went on, swallowed my pride and I told you most of what I feel, what I'm thinking, what I want to happen and a lot more but you return me with useless words. I've explained how I truly felt but I did not quite understand how you do. You're seriously not dumb but whenever I ask you specific things and I even give you choices, you answer me me indirectly, vaguely and unsurely. You got me wondering, are you still even that interested to fix 'this' whatever this even is. He is so secretive but he seems sincere somehow. But the Thing is, I don't feel like he want to fight for me. The thing is, he's technically still together with his girlfriend despite the fact that he broke things off already but the girl doesn't want to and despite them still talking to each other. Well according to him, they barely talk but still. What I mean is if the two of them are still technically together, why does he have to bring me in to the picture? And if he really does not want to be with the girl anymore, why won't he just break up with her and tell her and everyone that it's really over? It kinda seem to me that he can not let go of his girlfriend. If he really does not want to be in that relationship anymore, he could like push him away and all but he didn't. Instead he brings me in to his life, leads me on and messes my life up. He made me like him so much but he doesn't talk to me straight nor he treats me right?

He keeps on saying that he wants to make things up for me and I'm like okay please define making things up. Where? How? And other things. I mean come on. Why not just tell me? He is so hesitant with everything especially with how we answers things. If he is not hiding anything, why won't he just tell me how he truly feels and everything on his mind. I'm not the super bitchy person who reacts violently with everything a person says but I just act that way if the person annoys me and right now he does because he is such a mute. An intelligent person acting so dumbly and it is so frustrating. Really really frustrating because I have already asked him a lot of questions and told him almost everything but he doesn't give anything. I can not read him, I can not understand how he thinks, what he really feels and all. He is hiding under his rock. He has this force field, made especially for me? That eve thing coming out of his mouth is somewhat censored?

It is terribly hard especially on my part because I'm in a state of doubt and question. I doubt everything he says because he doesn't act upon his words. He says he wants to make it up to me and all he could do to make things up to me is to talk me through everything. He just needs to make me understand his side. That is all I want from him. But he acts so dumb that he does not understand what I want him to do. I can not expect anything from him, but he could at least TRY doing something to make me feel that he's fighting for me. 

I just could not contain my anger anymore. I know we are not together but I kind of have to get mad already so that he'd be awaken from whatever or wherever he is. I just told him how frustrated I am, how he should have told me things especially the ex girlfriend scenario, that what am I to him and that he should not make a fool out of me even though I am already. And now I am just patiently waiting for his response. I just hope he'd act properly, think smart and think LOGICALLY. COME ON PLEASE. I just really want this to work but it's his problem he should first fix. Before choosing me, break up with the girl first PLEASE. I do not want to be the other girl. Ever. I know I am too good for that.

Day Seven

A hundred and fifty-nine hours had passed since we last spoke and for the past days, all I've been thinking of is him and the situation at hand. Mostly I was just thinking "Why won't he text me?" For days I've been waiting for a text or a phone call of just something from him communicating to me but he did nothing. A feeling even crossed my mind that maybe it was already over? Or maybe he's just too guilty of what he had done that he could not find the courage to talk to me. Or maybe he's too shy to explain whatever it is that's on his mind. Or maybe he just does not know what to say. Or maybe he's waiting for me to talk to him so we're just waiting for each other and with that nothing would happen. 

And this suddenly crossed my mind. Maybe I was selfish for just thinking about myself and what happened. Flashback: it all started with how he acted last Sunday. He was distant, kinda cold and really not himself and I wondered about that a lot of times already. And the word selfishness just suddenly popped in my mind yesterday. Maybe I was too selfish for thinking only about myself. What if the reason why he was acting as how he did was because he had something going on? maybe he had problems of his own and he acted that way. What if he needed me but I wasn't there for him? I thought a lot about it and it is a big possibility. Why would someone act that way right? Or maybe he just suddenly lost interest? There are a lot of what ifs, buts and other questions bothering me and I just need for us to finally talk to each other to really clear things up. All we need to do is talk and I hope that happens. 

I told my friends about this (By the way a couple of them already has him because of what he's doing but majority of them understands the situations). I told them what I've thought about yesterday which was maybe I was just selfish. I shared this idea: I think I should text him because if I don't, I don't think we'd ever talk again nor will I be at peace with what's really gonna happen. I also told them that maybe I should have texted him "Good luck on your UPCAT." last Saturday but i did not and they thought it was a good idea especially the good luck test but I lost my chance. I did not wish him good luck. But they are considering me texting him already. I'm kinda glad they agreed with me. I know PRIDE was and is still is a problem here. But the problem is, I could not really form what I wanted to tell him. I know I want to tell him how I feel, what I've been experiencing the past days, my questions, the possibilities, where we stand, how he is, what's going on with him, ask what he feels and is thinking and a lot more especially asking for time if we can talk in person. All of those I wanted to text in one long message but I seriously could not find the words to even start my text. And I seriously can not tell him that I've been feeling down, bothered, stressed, sad, kinda heart broken and all those because I so do not want to look weak. I mean what if I say those and he does not even feel the same right? I would look so dumb saying all those and I would have made a big fool out of myself which I would never want to happen. I have honestly been there and it's one of the worse things that anyone could feel. Going back though, I also wanted to tell him how I miss him but I'm afraid that he won't feel e same. Maybe the span of us not talking had changed how he feels or felt towards me. I'm afraid to lose someone whom I know I would regret in the future. I've missed my chance with my ex boyfriend because I let him go for some childish dumb reason. And with this present guy, I do NOT want to regret this anymore. I want to do my best to somewhat save this and make progress after. He has been the only reason why I am happy the past two months and I do not want that happiness taken away from me. I do not want to sound desperate, especially to him, but that's how I honestly feel. I'm just really afraid that after a year, when I see he's doing better and with someone who is extremely happy that I'd regret this. 

I gave this some serious talk. After telling my friends they pushed me to text him. They understood my point that maybe I was selfish and prideful and I accept that. I took some time, focused and concentrated on myself, what I feel, how I feel and looked for the words, the right words to say. I started of by saying hey and told him a glimpse of how I felt, what was on my mind and what I wanted to happen which is for us to talk. I sent it three hours ago and I'm just hoping he replies. Just the fact that he would reply is a great thing for me. I don't expect that we'd be able to fix whatever but I hope. I hope for the best. I hope for a good and fruitful conversation.

I miss him and a single text would ease that. I really like him and I hope he still feels the same. 

Third Party

I have always been the second option. I mean come on. Why am I always that one girl who doesn't get chosen first. I've been inking actually maybe I'm always the second choice maybe because I make those guys happier than with whom they are currently with but I mean what kind of guy does that? I hate lying and cheating falls under that category but what I mean is why? Why do those guys who like me has to be taken? I've been through liking three or four different guys who are apparently taken. And since they are taken I immediately back off. I'm not the stealer type because I've been through that situation where someone left me for a different person and it feels so bad. It's like getting one of your organ  removed from you where you have no choice at all because it was already removed. Feeling betrayed, stabbed, and everything else that feels so humiliating. It's not like you have a choice if someone leaves you right? You'd feel broken and cheated and believe me, your self-esteem would definitely fall. You'd wonder to yourself, why did this person do this to me? What did I lack in? Was I not enough? Was I not good? Did you just not want me anymore? A lot of questions are going to be asked but in the end you'd be left alone.

With this whatever you call this thing that I have right now, everything started really smoothly. Everything was actually perfect. I missed how great it felt to be liked, to be praised, to be taken care of, to be thought of, to be sweet to and all that and I was terribly happy. Everyone saw it in my eyes, in my smiles and in my laughs. I was a total different person because I was happy. I kinda understand myself why I became like that because I missed the feeling of being loved. I really missed it and this guy gave me all that. Everything was perfect until that day came and in addition, the things that I saw. How can someone so lovely and beautiful be so deceiving? Cheating? Making me the third party??? I mean come on man. That happiness just suddenly came out of me in a snap. Like a black hole sucked every bit of happiness I was feeling. Everything seemed to collapse around me like how could this happen? I did not fully believe at first what I saw so I confronted him about it but I was let down. I did not feel being fought for like I was nothing to him. I was really wondering why could this happen like I could no accept what had happened. 

It has been five fucking days since we last spoke. Do you even think of me? If he really liked me, he would have done something or said something just to make me feel something even anything. I need closure or just words to somewhat make me understand or to just let me know what the truth is. I feel so down in the dumps that I can't even focus with school, act properly around my family, talk enthusiastically with my friends and all. I feel like I just want to be alone. I know this is bad but this is how I feel. I'm tired of faking smiles around people just to make them not worry about me. I feel so beaten up and I beat up myself about this situation. I feel so forsaken, forgotten and irrelevant. I feel invisible. I just want to be kept unspoken to and alone. I want peace and solidarity like fuck you don't talk to me unless you're him and that he wants to explain everything freely, honestly and sincerely. Don't get me wrong, he is sincere but I can't seem to fully believe him? I don't know I jut can't seem to feel the honesty? Maybe because he hasn't passed the trustworthy barrier for me. 

I am not myself right now and I kinda blame him and myself. I am honestly too hung up on him like fuck him why did he do this to me? And fuck me for liking him too much that thinking about him and the situation consumes me. I can't do things properly at all. I just focus of releasing everything I feel which is anger and hurt. Though I can not seem to fully hate him and show how angry I really am like removing the smile mask and bringing the hell devil me. No I can not actually do that. I constantly think about him and even if my friends are disapproved of him already I still defend him which is actually stupid come to think of it. He is honestly a stupid douche for doing these things but I can not seem to figure out what the truth really is.  I usually am able to know the truth but in this situation oh damn I so can not. 

Another thing is that it is so hard to tell what he's thinking. I have not really figured him out in the sense that I don't know how he thinks, how he would react to certain occurrences, how he would respond to words, how he would act about a certain situation and all that. I do not fully know him and I regret not knowing that for the first month we've been seeing each other. And I regret no fully knowing the real him during those two months. 

It has been over five freaking days since he last spoke to me. I mean man. Where are your effing balls like come on? Are you not going to do anything? Or are you waiting to see me so you could do or say whatever it is that you want in person? 

A lot of my friends have given me their opinions about it and it is a long list of possibilities I would like to share:

1. Maybe he does not know what to say or do so he just chose to give you space. 

2. Maybe he's caught up in his lies and he just chose to forget about you leaving you with no closure. 

3. Maybe he's waiting for Sunday to see you and surprise you to make up for what had happened

4. Maybe he needed time to think for himself what he did wrong, where he went wrong and etc.

5. Maybe he's so dumb to figure out that he should talk to me rather than just shutting up

6. Maybe he cheated on his girlfriend and he feels guilty for doing so, so he just chose to be loyal and forget about the other girl which is me

7. Maybe he just suddenly lost interest in me so he chose to stop communicating

8. Maybe he suddenly realized that he did not really like me so he stopped 

9. Maybe he's just a real douche who keeps on liking girls, when he gets bored with them leaves them like deserted islands or whatever like trash 

MY MIND IS KIND OF EXPLODING BECAUSE SUNDAY IS NEAR AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. I DO NOT KNOW IF I WOULD LET SUNDAY BE THE LAST DAY OF CHANCE OR THE ELEVENTH TO SEE IF HE WOULD EFFORT TO HIS SO CALLED GIRLFRJVFLVJDVOJSO JS WHO BY THE WAY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HOMO ERECTUS LIKE A NOMAD LIKE A BAFOON. SHE'S SHRIMP/HIPON (ugly face sexy body) and SHE'S RICH BUT COME ON WHY WOULD YOU TRADE ME FOR THAT?!!!!! Violent reaction much? But seriously I am kinda better looking, older, smarter, sweeter and more caring than her but with experience and what they've been through mayb that weighs more. Ok of course it weighs more but how could he? 

I just need the truth and I'm done. 

The TRUTH is seriously all I need to finish this unending thoughts

I NEED. THE. TRUTH. TO STOP ME FROM MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MY SELF

As they say: the TRUTH will set you FREE