Third Party

I have always been the second option. I mean come on. Why am I always that one girl who doesn't get chosen first. I've been inking actually maybe I'm always the second choice maybe because I make those guys happier than with whom they are currently with but I mean what kind of guy does that? I hate lying and cheating falls under that category but what I mean is why? Why do those guys who like me has to be taken? I've been through liking three or four different guys who are apparently taken. And since they are taken I immediately back off. I'm not the stealer type because I've been through that situation where someone left me for a different person and it feels so bad. It's like getting one of your organ  removed from you where you have no choice at all because it was already removed. Feeling betrayed, stabbed, and everything else that feels so humiliating. It's not like you have a choice if someone leaves you right? You'd feel broken and cheated and believe me, your self-esteem would definitely fall. You'd wonder to yourself, why did this person do this to me? What did I lack in? Was I not enough? Was I not good? Did you just not want me anymore? A lot of questions are going to be asked but in the end you'd be left alone.

With this whatever you call this thing that I have right now, everything started really smoothly. Everything was actually perfect. I missed how great it felt to be liked, to be praised, to be taken care of, to be thought of, to be sweet to and all that and I was terribly happy. Everyone saw it in my eyes, in my smiles and in my laughs. I was a total different person because I was happy. I kinda understand myself why I became like that because I missed the feeling of being loved. I really missed it and this guy gave me all that. Everything was perfect until that day came and in addition, the things that I saw. How can someone so lovely and beautiful be so deceiving? Cheating? Making me the third party??? I mean come on man. That happiness just suddenly came out of me in a snap. Like a black hole sucked every bit of happiness I was feeling. Everything seemed to collapse around me like how could this happen? I did not fully believe at first what I saw so I confronted him about it but I was let down. I did not feel being fought for like I was nothing to him. I was really wondering why could this happen like I could no accept what had happened. 

It has been five fucking days since we last spoke. Do you even think of me? If he really liked me, he would have done something or said something just to make me feel something even anything. I need closure or just words to somewhat make me understand or to just let me know what the truth is. I feel so down in the dumps that I can't even focus with school, act properly around my family, talk enthusiastically with my friends and all. I feel like I just want to be alone. I know this is bad but this is how I feel. I'm tired of faking smiles around people just to make them not worry about me. I feel so beaten up and I beat up myself about this situation. I feel so forsaken, forgotten and irrelevant. I feel invisible. I just want to be kept unspoken to and alone. I want peace and solidarity like fuck you don't talk to me unless you're him and that he wants to explain everything freely, honestly and sincerely. Don't get me wrong, he is sincere but I can't seem to fully believe him? I don't know I jut can't seem to feel the honesty? Maybe because he hasn't passed the trustworthy barrier for me. 

I am not myself right now and I kinda blame him and myself. I am honestly too hung up on him like fuck him why did he do this to me? And fuck me for liking him too much that thinking about him and the situation consumes me. I can't do things properly at all. I just focus of releasing everything I feel which is anger and hurt. Though I can not seem to fully hate him and show how angry I really am like removing the smile mask and bringing the hell devil me. No I can not actually do that. I constantly think about him and even if my friends are disapproved of him already I still defend him which is actually stupid come to think of it. He is honestly a stupid douche for doing these things but I can not seem to figure out what the truth really is.  I usually am able to know the truth but in this situation oh damn I so can not. 

Another thing is that it is so hard to tell what he's thinking. I have not really figured him out in the sense that I don't know how he thinks, how he would react to certain occurrences, how he would respond to words, how he would act about a certain situation and all that. I do not fully know him and I regret not knowing that for the first month we've been seeing each other. And I regret no fully knowing the real him during those two months. 

It has been over five freaking days since he last spoke to me. I mean man. Where are your effing balls like come on? Are you not going to do anything? Or are you waiting to see me so you could do or say whatever it is that you want in person? 

A lot of my friends have given me their opinions about it and it is a long list of possibilities I would like to share:

1. Maybe he does not know what to say or do so he just chose to give you space. 

2. Maybe he's caught up in his lies and he just chose to forget about you leaving you with no closure. 

3. Maybe he's waiting for Sunday to see you and surprise you to make up for what had happened

4. Maybe he needed time to think for himself what he did wrong, where he went wrong and etc.

5. Maybe he's so dumb to figure out that he should talk to me rather than just shutting up

6. Maybe he cheated on his girlfriend and he feels guilty for doing so, so he just chose to be loyal and forget about the other girl which is me

7. Maybe he just suddenly lost interest in me so he chose to stop communicating

8. Maybe he suddenly realized that he did not really like me so he stopped 

9. Maybe he's just a real douche who keeps on liking girls, when he gets bored with them leaves them like deserted islands or whatever like trash 

MY MIND IS KIND OF EXPLODING BECAUSE SUNDAY IS NEAR AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. I DO NOT KNOW IF I WOULD LET SUNDAY BE THE LAST DAY OF CHANCE OR THE ELEVENTH TO SEE IF HE WOULD EFFORT TO HIS SO CALLED GIRLFRJVFLVJDVOJSO JS WHO BY THE WAY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HOMO ERECTUS LIKE A NOMAD LIKE A BAFOON. SHE'S SHRIMP/HIPON (ugly face sexy body) and SHE'S RICH BUT COME ON WHY WOULD YOU TRADE ME FOR THAT?!!!!! Violent reaction much? But seriously I am kinda better looking, older, smarter, sweeter and more caring than her but with experience and what they've been through mayb that weighs more. Ok of course it weighs more but how could he? 

I just need the truth and I'm done. 

The TRUTH is seriously all I need to finish this unending thoughts

I NEED. THE. TRUTH. TO STOP ME FROM MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MY SELF

As they say: the TRUTH will set you FREE