It Kills

Yes, it truly kills me to see firstly my mother crying, my father not communing, my little brother crying, my sister mad and my oldest brother just being him distant.

Today, I just witnessed his my little brother was torn because of our father. And I must say that I have cried over a hundred times because of how truly hurtful my father's words are and how he treats me and actually all of us. I do love my father that's for sure but most of the time, he's just really hurtful. I'm not sure if he's teaching us how to be strong or what, but whatever he's doing is not really working to make us stronger. I know he wants us to be the best that we can, to grow up morally and to be wise as he is to be able to make the right decisions and do the just things but his ways are, I may say, overboard. He hurts in order to teach. But can't he teach without hurting? There are gazillions of right ways to do it why not choose among those over the million of wrong ways to do so right?

When my little brother suddenly broke down in tears, I was so torn. He is such a strong boy, or should I say a strong man and definitely wiser than I am, but at that moment, he was suddenly a different person for he cried in front of me and all I could do was tap his back, embrace him and tell him to just breathe. I have been what he has been through and I definitely know the feeling. That exact hurt he felt, I still feel it. We love our father so much that we would sacrifice our life but this treachery if I may call it is just wrong. He is it the perfect father as he says and as his children we should understand but there is no going back in time when we haven't felt that certain hurt like do you even seriously love us? Cause if you do hurting us would not be your ways. We now envy the families of our friends whom we see are so happy. Like legit happy that you could not imagine them fighting, getting mad at each other or hidden desires to hurt one another and how we wish that we could be like them. That we could be whole. No gaps, no secrets, no negativities whatsoever. And I just hope and am praying that one day, we would reach that point of pure happiness. We should NOT wait for someone to be lost before things turn around right? Why not just make the most of the time that we have for each other and just be loving to one another, set aside all hate and just LOVE.

I still believe that one day, we would be in that state, but as of now, I guess we should all just suck it up, pretend a little and appreciate the tiniest bit of happiness even if it's not within all of us that we share our love. Smile towards everyone inspite of the silence breathing in the room and just try reaching out and conveying what you want to commune to ignite that feeling.