Day Seven

A hundred and fifty-nine hours had passed since we last spoke and for the past days, all I've been thinking of is him and the situation at hand. Mostly I was just thinking "Why won't he text me?" For days I've been waiting for a text or a phone call of just something from him communicating to me but he did nothing. A feeling even crossed my mind that maybe it was already over? Or maybe he's just too guilty of what he had done that he could not find the courage to talk to me. Or maybe he's too shy to explain whatever it is that's on his mind. Or maybe he just does not know what to say. Or maybe he's waiting for me to talk to him so we're just waiting for each other and with that nothing would happen. 

And this suddenly crossed my mind. Maybe I was selfish for just thinking about myself and what happened. Flashback: it all started with how he acted last Sunday. He was distant, kinda cold and really not himself and I wondered about that a lot of times already. And the word selfishness just suddenly popped in my mind yesterday. Maybe I was too selfish for thinking only about myself. What if the reason why he was acting as how he did was because he had something going on? maybe he had problems of his own and he acted that way. What if he needed me but I wasn't there for him? I thought a lot about it and it is a big possibility. Why would someone act that way right? Or maybe he just suddenly lost interest? There are a lot of what ifs, buts and other questions bothering me and I just need for us to finally talk to each other to really clear things up. All we need to do is talk and I hope that happens. 

I told my friends about this (By the way a couple of them already has him because of what he's doing but majority of them understands the situations). I told them what I've thought about yesterday which was maybe I was just selfish. I shared this idea: I think I should text him because if I don't, I don't think we'd ever talk again nor will I be at peace with what's really gonna happen. I also told them that maybe I should have texted him "Good luck on your UPCAT." last Saturday but i did not and they thought it was a good idea especially the good luck test but I lost my chance. I did not wish him good luck. But they are considering me texting him already. I'm kinda glad they agreed with me. I know PRIDE was and is still is a problem here. But the problem is, I could not really form what I wanted to tell him. I know I want to tell him how I feel, what I've been experiencing the past days, my questions, the possibilities, where we stand, how he is, what's going on with him, ask what he feels and is thinking and a lot more especially asking for time if we can talk in person. All of those I wanted to text in one long message but I seriously could not find the words to even start my text. And I seriously can not tell him that I've been feeling down, bothered, stressed, sad, kinda heart broken and all those because I so do not want to look weak. I mean what if I say those and he does not even feel the same right? I would look so dumb saying all those and I would have made a big fool out of myself which I would never want to happen. I have honestly been there and it's one of the worse things that anyone could feel. Going back though, I also wanted to tell him how I miss him but I'm afraid that he won't feel e same. Maybe the span of us not talking had changed how he feels or felt towards me. I'm afraid to lose someone whom I know I would regret in the future. I've missed my chance with my ex boyfriend because I let him go for some childish dumb reason. And with this present guy, I do NOT want to regret this anymore. I want to do my best to somewhat save this and make progress after. He has been the only reason why I am happy the past two months and I do not want that happiness taken away from me. I do not want to sound desperate, especially to him, but that's how I honestly feel. I'm just really afraid that after a year, when I see he's doing better and with someone who is extremely happy that I'd regret this. 

I gave this some serious talk. After telling my friends they pushed me to text him. They understood my point that maybe I was selfish and prideful and I accept that. I took some time, focused and concentrated on myself, what I feel, how I feel and looked for the words, the right words to say. I started of by saying hey and told him a glimpse of how I felt, what was on my mind and what I wanted to happen which is for us to talk. I sent it three hours ago and I'm just hoping he replies. Just the fact that he would reply is a great thing for me. I don't expect that we'd be able to fix whatever but I hope. I hope for the best. I hope for a good and fruitful conversation.

I miss him and a single text would ease that. I really like him and I hope he still feels the same.