March 10 2O14

It has been nine days since we last held hands.

Wow. I seriously counted that. 

I mean, holding hands has been our thing since Valentine's day. It feels safe and really nice holding each others' hands like we did not care about how others thought about us or anything. It was how we expressed our feelings for each other.

It's different when we hold hands. It's not just the mere act of it but for me it is so much more. It's being proud that you are with that person, it signifies how much you value the person you are with that you would want them in your life. It somehow signifies possession that she is yours and the other way around. It signifies love in so many ways. It's as if everything fits perfectly whenever your hands meet and interlocks. Isn't? And the feeling you get whenever you hold hands with someone. It's as if it were the first time all the time. Butterflies suddenly flutters in your tummy, your heart starts to race, your eyes starting to glitter and your cheeks flushed with color.

I miss this. I miss the sweet side of him. I miss the caring him. I miss the real talks. I miss the kilig he makes me feel. I miss the effort he puts into things. I miss being the attraction of his eyes whenever I am mixed within a crowd. I miss his voice that assures if I am okay. I miss the hands that used to hang on my back. I miss the fingers that gives warmth to mine.

All I want in a relationship is honesty, trust, love and consistency. Without these things, you would slowly lose me. I believe in the saying that if you want someone to stay in your life, you have to make an effort to make them stay. Do not take them for granted nor forsake them. Remind them that they are loved and make them feel cherished, for when they leave, the fault would be on your side. You did not give them enough will to stay. Despite the safety I give to people, do not ever take me for granted. Not because you'd get the assurance from me that I wouldn't leave, I eventually will if you do not take care of me. Never be complacent with the person you love.

I have a long stream of patience and a height of understanding but do not ever push me to that limit. I will become used to it, numb and eventually I will have the strength to say no, to say that this is enough and I WILL leave. 

Please. I am giving him seven days to realize his mistakes. I hope he does. I will just reciprocate how he would treat me as of now and I just hope that he would become sensitive enough to feel that I want more. That I NEED to feel that he does care for me and that he would change his ways to make me stay and to keep me with him.

All I need is the feeling of being cherished every moment that you can and I hope this is not too much to ask.

I hope and all I can do is to hope.

“Because these wings are no longer wings to fly but merely vans to beat the air. The air which is now thoroughly small and dry, smaller and dryer than the will. Teach us to care and not to care. Teach us to sit still” ― T.S. Eliot

You never know when things may go wrong... Well not a total disaster or whatever your perception of wrong is but for this moment, wrong perfectly described my day. Well before my day started, the night before, I was feeling off already. I was extremely irritable, stressed, exhausted and everything like my mind was going to pop out of my head! I was having my amoral state which girls usually call: PMS. He knew I was feeling and acting all these so he just kinda became sweet with his last good night text and that made me feel warm.

The morning I woke up I was feeling lighter which was really good. I mean such a total bitch when I'm on PMS and in a really bad mood. Thank goodness sleep made me less of a bitch that morning. So I did my usual morning routine: stretch, bath, water & car. I was pretty early for school which didn't bother me much. I'm always such an early bird. After a couple of minutes my friend Boogie arrived to school and stood beside me and he asked me where he was. I was kinda caught of guard because oh yeah, he has not texted yet and right away I got my phone and started calling him. He was not picking up. We are so screwed. He was still asleep at his dorm. Oh goodness gracious. We headed to his dorm and I woke him up out of bed. He was late for our first subject and just wandered around the room bugging everyone who can be bothered haha! Then we were conversing with the barkada and it was really fun and all and out of the blue, I started recalling this conversation we had and we were laughing about it because it was totally hilarious to think about! He then asked us what it was about and I could not give him an answer because it was something I could not share with him. He suddenly got pissed and shut his mouth and just became dull and quiet. Of course this bothered me. A lot. I felt like he was being such a kid who assumed that we were talking about him behind his back and this was not close to what we spoke about. I mean like hello, this is too petty to talk about and too immature to even fight about. Well it is nice to like be in an argument and see how he is when we fight but okay. THIS IS SUCH A PETTY CRAPPY THING TO FIGHT ABOUT.

He became so quiet, so dull, so dead, so invisible, so immature, so sleepy, extra sleepy, so closed, so uninvolved, so uncaring, so unmindful, so insensitive and so OUT.  Its as if I did something so heavily unforgivable. Ooooooo kay I am exaggerating a little bit but gaaah. It was way too petty and he even acted like a douche when everything happened. I tried to calm him down, make lambing and make him feel loved but he was just at the through and through state wherein if I do this say this and that it just goes out of his system.

I even said sorry and told him that we were  not talking about him behind his back but all he said WITH A FREAKING TONE was I DID NOT EVEN ASK - I DO NOT EVEN WANTED/NEEDED TO KNOW and I was like SO WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT?! AND HE JUST SHUT ME OUT. HE JUST KEPT STILL AND QUIET AS IF HE DID NOT HEAR ME. AND I WAS LIKE FUUUUUCK. AND That triggered my bitchiness for the entire day. He even just vanished after one of our subjects without a word, without any text or whatever. 

SO OK FINE. WANNA PLAY THAT GAME? SUIT YOURSELF. I AM A TOTAL EXPERT AT ELEVATING MY PRIDE. LET'S SEE WHO GIVES IN FIRST GAME

All that I could think of was how could he let the day pass without us being okay or even saying a word of care or whatever. He just climbed under a rock and became this rock beneath a rock. Totally hard and hiding. 

It felt pretty unfair in a way that why should you act that way when I feel like I did not even do anything wrong nor did I lack in trying for us to be okay and that he was UNGRATEFUL with how I dealt with the situation.

I just did my best to be strong in a sense that I would refrain from communing with him and even stalking him HAHA. Well the stalking part was really hard but I could not do anything else but to like assure that he was okay that he did not feel alone or whatever that he still had friends around him that would comfort him and make him smile some how.

I still cared even if we weren't okay and I will still care no matter what situation we are in.

The night passed with us not saying a word to each other and me just trying to distract myself from everything that's happening by watching shows and movies, listening to songs and trying to study for a quiz haha!

But that is life. You do your best to stay tough and smiling.

I woke up to the sound of cars passing by outside our house. It was still pretty early to move and get ready for school. Automatically, I checked my phone for messages and found a couple of texts but none from him, then I checked my social accounts and saw a tweet that he posted around 4:00 in the morning and I was like wow. He was still up that late? Haha. So I just let myself go on with life and went to school.

Everyone asked me if we were finally okay and I was like no no no no no no and no. They told me to just be patient, he would come around. And I was like yea yeah whatever. I cared but I didn't want to drown myself thinking of the negatives. 

He finally spoke to me... but not about the situation. But at least he made the first move by minding me and trying to talk to me which was a good sign. I did not want things to go on like this for days. 

We passed by the chapel before our last class. We prayed inside and we were seated in two benches. The front one where I sat with the two girls and the three boys behind us. After we prayed we kinda stayed for a bit and he suddenly said out loud (on purpose so that I could hear him) LORD, SANA MAGKAINTINDIHAN NA KAMI NI TIN. It was actually cute that I honestly smiled hehe. 

 

At the end of the day when I was about to go home we spoke about what happened yesterday. He told me how it was wrong of me to somewhat gossip in front of him even if it was not about him that it was immoral? and disrespectful to do so in front of him. Like he grew up knowing and keeping in mind that it was wrong to talk about something the other person didn't know and that you keep talking about it in front of the other person. I got his point and I tried sharing what my point was that as much as I wanted to tell him what the topic was about as to not leave him out I couldn't because it wasn't my story to tell. I even told him how bad it felt that we went on like this for the whole day without speaking to each other and so on. He defended himself saying that he was really like that, that he thought it was better to keep shut rather than be plastic towards me. He even added that he felt bad with what happened especially that it was me who did it.
The end point here is that we came to an understanding where okay I get his point and I seriously hope that he got mine as well. 

At least today, we parted ways in a good manner and he even mouthed SORRY as I exited school.

After school, I spent the afternoon with my parents in the car just having fun conversations and I was glad my father and I are finally okay. I am just minding my actions and words that I live up to what he wants and expects me to be. We then had dinner in UP Town Center where we had cakes, pasta and tea-coffee and just shared stories and laughter. It felt so great that everything seems okay today. I am just hoping that this state of being okay and untroubled state would continue on.

Thank God for this happy occurrences. Indeed a happy Ash Wednesday.

Splash!

Happiest birthday to our dearest China G!

This day was pretty amazing! After the awkward day of patching up things with the rather once again we're going  out and it's always pretty scary to ask permission from my dad whenever we go out and luckily we were allowed so hooray!! Party time again hihihihi. 

The day started out pretty boring. Just the typical hot morning followed by brunch and a moviethon afternoon. Went jogging around our village and rushed home to take a bath and get ready. But I must say, that four kilometer jog was amazing! Felt great sweating it all out and just listening to tunes whilst jogging.

So we got picked  up by our friend Carlo from home and went to the Schnell's house where the surprise would be done and picked up the brother and sister. Went to the basketball court so the boys could play whilst their girls watch them play and sweat haha! 

Then here came the surprise!! Food all around from pizzas, pasta, doughnuts, salad, lollipops and more treats for the kiddos! What made this night remarkable was the resurrection of our dearest Kuya Jj! We had our heart-to-heart with each other with what happened to me and the boy who unfortunately deceived me and made me the third party of his relationship which was totally fucked up but anyway we just got stories out which was great. Built a strong connection within us and four more of the girl friends we have. 

After such serious conversation HERE GOES THE POOL JUMP!!!!! Yay pool party time HAHAHAHA. It was so freezing but hoorah!! More bonding time and just pure fun!

I must say that it's pretty amazing how this semester break made us close with each other starting from pre-Halloween events to this day. I finally feel like I belong and that I deserve to be in the central. Just a little bit more push to get close with one another but other than that I am thankful for having been given the chance to be close with them. Thank You!

Just for a Day of Pure Bliss

Rewind back to Sunday October twenty-seventh two thousand and thirteen:

Sacrificing a couple just to have the night you've yearned for, a night of pure happiness.

It has been a long time since I have spent a solid day with my friends that day, I finally had it. And I must say, it was all worth it. Spending my Sunday with the few people whom I've just known for barely a year has been wonderful beyond words. The joy I felt, the togetherness, the excitement the thrill and everything in between. It wasn't just all that though. It was duties at first but the after part was amaze balls!

The day started out with our Parish Youth Central meeting at our friend's house, turned to lunch with everyone then off to ours kid's mass and afterward back to the Gabriel's crib! That Sunday was their village's Halloween Trick or Treatin' so I gave out the candies and saw those cute kids in their costumes and all. After that we just hung out in their entertainment room and played PS3. Everyone was just so pumped and trash talking like there's no tomorrow and we were all just enjoying so so much! Like too much haha! And I don't  know that day just bonded us to each other like we got to know more about one another so that was really great. I must admit I was not close to most of the people in the central but after that day, it was really awesome. 

And then came dinner where we all are pasta and cinnamon rolls which were absolutely delicious! And came the movies conversation. Like what's your favorite television show, movie starting from the nineties to the twentieth century. Oh how it was so good to reminisce the days where good cartoons were still aired, legit anime series (which I must say aren't jejemon) were still on and all that good times. We even thought about the theme songs to those series! I was like what's that song for One Tree Hill? The one that Gavin deGraw sang? And we were suddenly singing: I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. All I have to do is to be me lalalalalaaaaaa and we were totally adorable!!

After our glorious feast we popped some popcorn in the microwave and started on with our first film... Sinister. It was soooooo cold and just dark everywhere. We were just sitting everywhere, each with a pillow and blankets and we even made jokes of some of the horror scenes in the movie which was adorbs haha!! Gab was like that sounded wrong (inset green minded look here) and we'd all laugh and forget how scared we were haha. 

On to our next film: The Conjuring. Ok I must admit I was freaking scared!! Like WHATDAPAK. But what Gab said was true that it was actually interesting that you'd want to research about it. The Conjuring was based on true events so right? Who would not become interested about it right? But sadly we were not able to finish the film since my dad was like mad and all that typical-angry-father-go-home-now thingy. So we had to leave and not finish the film. How sad we did not finish but golly how fun that whole day was!

Spending thirteen full hours with one another was not enough at all! It's like we're family hehe. I hope we'd have part two next time! At our crib naman and we'll try to be great hosts hehe. Hopefully during my birthday I can create a little get together to celebrate my birthday cause they truly are amazing people whom I want to be surrounded with. 

I thank You for blessing me with such amazing people and keeping them around me. 

Present: China, Carlo, Gio, Mike, Jason, Gab, Matt, Aira, Fred & Alma