People Who Are Too Nice That You Could NOT Imagine nor Fathom Them Doing Wrong (and the like)

MUST admit that I am thinking on this a lot haha
I am honestly okay now. I am not hurting and I feel like I am nearing towards brightness,
towards the happiness I used to finish. I know I am damaged but I may always be patched
up. Yes, it will take time and tons of overloading effort and ways to do so, but I will be
whole again. I do know that.

I am just thinking about why he did so though. Just wondering in my mind why things
came to that certain point.

My thoughts on this and with the things that has happened or are still happening (?) are
still on point. It just makes me think not as often as before and okay I still do stalk with
his social media accounts just to somehow keep on track and see if he's feeling still.
That's what I worry or wonder the most about. I want to KNOW firstly what he feels.
Is he sad? Broken hearted? Worried about me? Scared? Happy? Free? or what? I just
need an answer to that question maybe not exactly what but at least and idea what he's
feeling. Another is what he's thinking. Scratch that. Is he thinking about me? Every night,
everyday, sometimes, often? Next is what is is he planning to do? We are (I have not
decided yet) unfortunately/fortunately transferred to the same section which is the cream
or star section of our batch. So that probably means that I belong to the top forty students
in our batch. So that out of around 650++ students. Which is something to be proud of and
actually HAPPY about but I'm not. And my friend Kim told me to act civil and just not
let everything bother me. Heart even said that I should not be doing shitty things just
because of some stupid asshole and he is goddamn right!

I must regain my sense of optimism and everything good in me!!!
I can do this and I have survived through worse and I KNOW I CAN DO THIS



I BELIEVE IN MYSELF

March 21st 2O14

Today was supposed to be the day full of fun, laughter, jokes and partying but it turned out to be the day of complete sorrow and bad vibes.

We didn't see each other during the morning nor did he tried communing with me. Last night, I sent him this malaNOBELA message over Facebook and I was just SEEN ZONED. FUCKERY. TOTAL BULL CRAP

SHITTY LIFE. SHIT SHIT SHIT. CRAP. CRAPPY

So we just went on preparing for the debut of our friend. Bought flowers at Dangua, changed at Lumera and drives our way through coding window, had McDonald's and went to Romulo. Bogs and I just spoke outside the car in the parking lot. He told me how he is so immature and effortless towards me. I was stupid how I expected a lot from him. Fuck how it hurts how he didn't want to talk or whatever and it was full of crap.

So they told me about how Clark, Carlo and him were fighting. How we sent this long hugot message to the two boys where he felt that he was OP, that they weren't there for him when he needed them the most. So much hurtful thoughts flowed in mind. How he didn't trust me, how undeeded I am, how useless I was, how insignificant I am to his life. Like what's the us of me in his life if he didn't trust me enough that he opens his problems to me. What the fuck does that supposed to make me feel?! I tell you: CRAP. Life is so complex right now and how I wish he would just TALK TO ME SO THINGS WOULD ALLEVIATE FROM WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

I just cried in front of my three friends. Clark advised me that if I love him that much I shouldn't stop I should give up. He knows how immature he is and how he didn't know what to do but he assured me how much he likes me so I shouldn't give up. I said BUT wag siyang tanga. Ang Hirap ng nakalutang lamang sa ere. I felt useless, used and crappy. 

So we just went through tepee debut. We even thought thatCarlo and him weren't gonna come but surprisingly they did. I was pretty shocked because I just came from the comfort room when they suddenly were there approaching the door. We didn't talk to each other. We didn't.  He didn't say a word and I was like FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?! 

After the debut we went to Space to go clubbing and when the first batch went in I immediately grabbed a bottle of mixed vodka and just drank my feelings away until he came in and I couldn't be able to drink anymore. He didn't like that I drank. 

So they were seated on the couches but I didn't want to sit with them. Carlo suddenly asked me if I wanted to take a shot and I was like yup I totally do and so he told me to like sit near them and foolish of me I DID sit near them. I wished I didn't. So Gef was handing out shots and then to me. He first asked me if i wanted a shot and I was like yeah. And he looked at me with the YOURE TAKING A SHOT?! And I was like UUUGH YEAH. and he gave me the look ARE YOU SERIOUS?! And I'm like DUUH WHAGCHA THINK?! And he rolled his eyes looking away. So Gef was handing out the shot to me and he pushed his hands away so that I wouldn't take the drink. And I was like WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY DO YOU EVEN SERIOUSLY CARE FOR ME OR JUST FOR SHOW OR WHAT?!!!! ANG LABO MO PARE SOBRANG LABO MO. Clark sat back in between us and I suddenly cried and cried and went away and cried and went back. I told Carlo to bring me home already. So Clark and him went with us. We were just at the back seat not saying anything. Not a word. I even gave hints for him to talk to me but nothing. When I got home, I went immediately to my room and just broke down crying, I cried and I waited for a text but nothing. Nothing at all.

March 22nd 2O14

I've been hurt before and I'm hurting again because of love.

Love makes you foolish. Love makes you stupid. Love makes you do reckless things. Loves doesn't let you think of the actions you did before you do them. Love makes you blind. Love brings out things in you that you never expected from you. Love makes you happy too. Love makes cherishes you. Love makes you feel cared for. Love makes you chase for what you want. Love makes you need. Love makes you whole.

Love isn't always supposed to be happy. There will always be arguements, misunderstandings, problems and hurting. But at the end of the day, these things happen because you love and because you are loved.

Today, I cried so much I thought I was going to suffocate and just fully break down. Thank God I didn't. I just cried my heart out.

It hurts that he just left. I mean yes he spoke telling me "Tin, submit ko lang yung project then dorm para gumawa ng project. INGAT" and said goodbye to everyone. And I couldn't look at him. I really couldn't. When he was leaving I just started to cry. I cried and I cried and I cried. He even came back to where we were to say good bye again and I was just there facing my back on the door and to him just crying. He didn't even realize that I was crying. He just said goodbye once again and just left. It hurts that he didn't do anything. That he didn't even talk talk to me. I was expecting he would. I wanted him to but he didn't.

I was left with my friends them just being there for me and I appreciated it so much. I am thankful for having them. Den left so it was just me, Clark and Bogs. Then Heart came. 

I wanted to go home so bad so they hailed me a cab to Magnolia so I could meet my mom half way. When I got in the cab, I just felt so alone and thought about the hurt and I cried again. I pulled myself together as we approached the mall. I got down and just walked around, ate ice cream and bought chips and H2O. My mom then fetched me. Went to facial and got home. I just changed, wrapped myself in my blanket and just watched movies and slept. 

So much feels. So much expectations and I shouldn't have. It felt so hard on me that everything is like this. How much hints I gave but he just wasted everything. He is WASTING time, efforts, the chance and just everything. 

And Sometimes...

All a girl needs is the assurance that:

a. You do love her

b. You will not leave her

c. You will care for her

d. You will be there for her

e. You will still love her tomorrow

A Big Big...

SIGH

I'll be honest. So let me admit this now. I am hurting a lot with how he is. I am now weak. I am not as strong as I was before. It feels like I've been consumed by the ones who haunted my past and now, I can not give to the one person who truly deserves it as much as I want to give more.

It is hard. I do not know if I need to be more understanding, forgiving, selfless and mindful of him. I'll carry the pain. I'll learn to shut down too. I'll learn to keep things to myself too. I'll learn to not to tell you everything and I'll learn to reply longer. I'll learn not to yearn. I'll learn not to seek.

I will not just learn but I will do all those starting now.


And let's just see how you'll feel.

March 10 2O14

It has been nine days since we last held hands.

Wow. I seriously counted that. 

I mean, holding hands has been our thing since Valentine's day. It feels safe and really nice holding each others' hands like we did not care about how others thought about us or anything. It was how we expressed our feelings for each other.

It's different when we hold hands. It's not just the mere act of it but for me it is so much more. It's being proud that you are with that person, it signifies how much you value the person you are with that you would want them in your life. It somehow signifies possession that she is yours and the other way around. It signifies love in so many ways. It's as if everything fits perfectly whenever your hands meet and interlocks. Isn't? And the feeling you get whenever you hold hands with someone. It's as if it were the first time all the time. Butterflies suddenly flutters in your tummy, your heart starts to race, your eyes starting to glitter and your cheeks flushed with color.

I miss this. I miss the sweet side of him. I miss the caring him. I miss the real talks. I miss the kilig he makes me feel. I miss the effort he puts into things. I miss being the attraction of his eyes whenever I am mixed within a crowd. I miss his voice that assures if I am okay. I miss the hands that used to hang on my back. I miss the fingers that gives warmth to mine.

All I want in a relationship is honesty, trust, love and consistency. Without these things, you would slowly lose me. I believe in the saying that if you want someone to stay in your life, you have to make an effort to make them stay. Do not take them for granted nor forsake them. Remind them that they are loved and make them feel cherished, for when they leave, the fault would be on your side. You did not give them enough will to stay. Despite the safety I give to people, do not ever take me for granted. Not because you'd get the assurance from me that I wouldn't leave, I eventually will if you do not take care of me. Never be complacent with the person you love.

I have a long stream of patience and a height of understanding but do not ever push me to that limit. I will become used to it, numb and eventually I will have the strength to say no, to say that this is enough and I WILL leave. 

Please. I am giving him seven days to realize his mistakes. I hope he does. I will just reciprocate how he would treat me as of now and I just hope that he would become sensitive enough to feel that I want more. That I NEED to feel that he does care for me and that he would change his ways to make me stay and to keep me with him.

All I need is the feeling of being cherished every moment that you can and I hope this is not too much to ask.

I hope and all I can do is to hope.

“Because these wings are no longer wings to fly but merely vans to beat the air. The air which is now thoroughly small and dry, smaller and dryer than the will. Teach us to care and not to care. Teach us to sit still” ― T.S. Eliot

You never know when things may go wrong... Well not a total disaster or whatever your perception of wrong is but for this moment, wrong perfectly described my day. Well before my day started, the night before, I was feeling off already. I was extremely irritable, stressed, exhausted and everything like my mind was going to pop out of my head! I was having my amoral state which girls usually call: PMS. He knew I was feeling and acting all these so he just kinda became sweet with his last good night text and that made me feel warm.

The morning I woke up I was feeling lighter which was really good. I mean such a total bitch when I'm on PMS and in a really bad mood. Thank goodness sleep made me less of a bitch that morning. So I did my usual morning routine: stretch, bath, water & car. I was pretty early for school which didn't bother me much. I'm always such an early bird. After a couple of minutes my friend Boogie arrived to school and stood beside me and he asked me where he was. I was kinda caught of guard because oh yeah, he has not texted yet and right away I got my phone and started calling him. He was not picking up. We are so screwed. He was still asleep at his dorm. Oh goodness gracious. We headed to his dorm and I woke him up out of bed. He was late for our first subject and just wandered around the room bugging everyone who can be bothered haha! Then we were conversing with the barkada and it was really fun and all and out of the blue, I started recalling this conversation we had and we were laughing about it because it was totally hilarious to think about! He then asked us what it was about and I could not give him an answer because it was something I could not share with him. He suddenly got pissed and shut his mouth and just became dull and quiet. Of course this bothered me. A lot. I felt like he was being such a kid who assumed that we were talking about him behind his back and this was not close to what we spoke about. I mean like hello, this is too petty to talk about and too immature to even fight about. Well it is nice to like be in an argument and see how he is when we fight but okay. THIS IS SUCH A PETTY CRAPPY THING TO FIGHT ABOUT.

He became so quiet, so dull, so dead, so invisible, so immature, so sleepy, extra sleepy, so closed, so uninvolved, so uncaring, so unmindful, so insensitive and so OUT.  Its as if I did something so heavily unforgivable. Ooooooo kay I am exaggerating a little bit but gaaah. It was way too petty and he even acted like a douche when everything happened. I tried to calm him down, make lambing and make him feel loved but he was just at the through and through state wherein if I do this say this and that it just goes out of his system.

I even said sorry and told him that we were  not talking about him behind his back but all he said WITH A FREAKING TONE was I DID NOT EVEN ASK - I DO NOT EVEN WANTED/NEEDED TO KNOW and I was like SO WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT?! AND HE JUST SHUT ME OUT. HE JUST KEPT STILL AND QUIET AS IF HE DID NOT HEAR ME. AND I WAS LIKE FUUUUUCK. AND That triggered my bitchiness for the entire day. He even just vanished after one of our subjects without a word, without any text or whatever. 

SO OK FINE. WANNA PLAY THAT GAME? SUIT YOURSELF. I AM A TOTAL EXPERT AT ELEVATING MY PRIDE. LET'S SEE WHO GIVES IN FIRST GAME

All that I could think of was how could he let the day pass without us being okay or even saying a word of care or whatever. He just climbed under a rock and became this rock beneath a rock. Totally hard and hiding. 

It felt pretty unfair in a way that why should you act that way when I feel like I did not even do anything wrong nor did I lack in trying for us to be okay and that he was UNGRATEFUL with how I dealt with the situation.

I just did my best to be strong in a sense that I would refrain from communing with him and even stalking him HAHA. Well the stalking part was really hard but I could not do anything else but to like assure that he was okay that he did not feel alone or whatever that he still had friends around him that would comfort him and make him smile some how.

I still cared even if we weren't okay and I will still care no matter what situation we are in.

The night passed with us not saying a word to each other and me just trying to distract myself from everything that's happening by watching shows and movies, listening to songs and trying to study for a quiz haha!

But that is life. You do your best to stay tough and smiling.

I woke up to the sound of cars passing by outside our house. It was still pretty early to move and get ready for school. Automatically, I checked my phone for messages and found a couple of texts but none from him, then I checked my social accounts and saw a tweet that he posted around 4:00 in the morning and I was like wow. He was still up that late? Haha. So I just let myself go on with life and went to school.

Everyone asked me if we were finally okay and I was like no no no no no no and no. They told me to just be patient, he would come around. And I was like yea yeah whatever. I cared but I didn't want to drown myself thinking of the negatives. 

He finally spoke to me... but not about the situation. But at least he made the first move by minding me and trying to talk to me which was a good sign. I did not want things to go on like this for days. 

We passed by the chapel before our last class. We prayed inside and we were seated in two benches. The front one where I sat with the two girls and the three boys behind us. After we prayed we kinda stayed for a bit and he suddenly said out loud (on purpose so that I could hear him) LORD, SANA MAGKAINTINDIHAN NA KAMI NI TIN. It was actually cute that I honestly smiled hehe. 

 

At the end of the day when I was about to go home we spoke about what happened yesterday. He told me how it was wrong of me to somewhat gossip in front of him even if it was not about him that it was immoral? and disrespectful to do so in front of him. Like he grew up knowing and keeping in mind that it was wrong to talk about something the other person didn't know and that you keep talking about it in front of the other person. I got his point and I tried sharing what my point was that as much as I wanted to tell him what the topic was about as to not leave him out I couldn't because it wasn't my story to tell. I even told him how bad it felt that we went on like this for the whole day without speaking to each other and so on. He defended himself saying that he was really like that, that he thought it was better to keep shut rather than be plastic towards me. He even added that he felt bad with what happened especially that it was me who did it.
The end point here is that we came to an understanding where okay I get his point and I seriously hope that he got mine as well. 

At least today, we parted ways in a good manner and he even mouthed SORRY as I exited school.

After school, I spent the afternoon with my parents in the car just having fun conversations and I was glad my father and I are finally okay. I am just minding my actions and words that I live up to what he wants and expects me to be. We then had dinner in UP Town Center where we had cakes, pasta and tea-coffee and just shared stories and laughter. It felt so great that everything seems okay today. I am just hoping that this state of being okay and untroubled state would continue on.

Thank God for this happy occurrences. Indeed a happy Ash Wednesday.

March 1st 2014

I was still up past midnight. I spent the first minutes of this month thinking about him. Thinking about what was currently happening to him. But I was assured that he wouldn't do anything foolish or whatsoever yet I just wanted he assurance of his safety. But then thirty minutes after midnight, I fell asleep. 

I then woke up to a flat morning, I immediately got a hold of my phone and scrolled through my notifications and found his text saying that he's safe and all. I trusted him and I knew with whatever he says, he wouldn't lie or whatever. 

My morning started with a cool breeze from outside and so I got out of my bed and immediately took a shower and got ready for school. I had breakfast at Pancake House with my parents. Ate their new dish called Banana Nutella Crisp Toast. It was too buttery for my taste but it was still food and still good. So I headed to school after this and attended my first class for Saturday. As usual, NSTP was pretty chill and useless ha ha. Just for attendance's sake and my teacher, I went to school. 

He  haven't texted me since this morning and I figured, he was still asleep at Clark's condominium. I tried waking him up so that they could go to school but as usual, no effect. He was really tired from last night so I just let him be. He needed the rest he could get from today. After three hours my friends (Denise, Shine & Boogie) and I tried this milk tea called SUPER CUP, a milk tea place, and what I got for myself was Wintermelon Black tea. I must say that it was so good! Sweet yet light to the tummy. Just something I like!! Perfect for the cool sunny morning.

Back in school, they finally attended class. It was great seeing him. It competed my day. After class he at and we headed to Shangri-la since I was being fetched there. When we arrived, we went straight to the food court and out of nowhere I heard someone calling me BADS. And I knew it right there and then, that high pitched "piyok" toned voice was Charlene. My dearest friend since my grade school days. My eyes grew big as I saw her and I immediately made my way towards her and hugged her real tight! I was surprised to see her and so happy that I did!! She immediately asked me who I was holding hands with and I told her a brief story of who he is and who he is in my life. I was glad to have been able to introduce him to her and my friends there :) (Eka, Shawn, Nyanya and Mila) It was so great to have been able to catch up with her and I really didn't expect that afternoon but it was an additional to making my day wholesome. 

After our short bonding they then left and I'm back with my college friends to eat. We just had continuous stories thrown at the table and jokes here and there and it was really fun. Mike then arrived and shortly after we finished eating, my parents arrived. 

After that, we parted ways. Mike and I had our shoes window shopping and movie date together! It was a long day but I am glad that every bit of today happened. 

February 28th 2014 (2 of 2)

The day went on smoothly. I kept strong and just wanted to fold into someone and that was in him. I saw him an hour after I arrived in school. He was there and he lent his ears to me and I was thankful I could open to him. I felt really comfortable with him that I just started tearing up and he just sat beside me and started to hug me. He thinks in a way where he considers every aspect, every option and with every person involved. He's selfless and I need selflessness in my life. He gave me ideas that were accurate with how the situation with me and dad were in. It felt good that I could've opened that to him yet I was shy because I knew he went through so much already that he learned to be strong and I was there beside him slightly breaking down and thinking lowly of myself. But despite that I knew I should smile. I was stronger. I felt stronger. I easily was able to pick myself up and just thought: LIFE GOES ON. JUST DEAL WITH EVERY AND SNY SITUATION. 

I am thankful for him. I really am. He somewhat understands me and he totally makes me feel safe. 

Lunch came and it was just me, him and Carlo who came to school that day. So we has lunch together. Fortunately, our two kabarkada ex-classmates had the same break as ours so we bonded over lunch. They were curious about how he and I have our thing now hehe. So they told me to tell them our story and I was like noooo he's just here beside me!! That would be totally awkward yet nice but noooo. So they suggested that they would just ask questions and that we just answer them and I was like fine with it so yeah. So they asked their first question, when did this all start? I looked at him and told him to answer my friend. And he answered first during his birthday and I was like uhm no? It was two days after his birthday!! Haha. So he told the story what happened and he asked me  was that the one in the dorm? And I was like yes! And they reacted so funnily cause they assumed if we like did something HAHA. And we were like noooooo. So he told the story how he admitted and I responding to his admittance 😋 So next question: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS? And then again we couldn't answer because we didn't know where we are haha. But we are happy that's for sure especially for me. So pass pass next question please! So third and last question:  are you courting Tin or are you MU or are you counting for MU or courting courting??  And we suddenly looked at each other and we definitely had the same thing in mind: THIS IS A TOPIC WE HAVENT DISCUSSED YET AND SHE ALREADY ASKED UUUUUUGH KROO KROO. HAHA. CRAZY HOW WE THINK ALIKE AT TIMES. So we were like referring to the previous question idk. Can't really answer the question because he honestly had no idea what to answer and to answer without us having discussed it HAHA. 

So after all the questioning our two girl friends left for class and Carlo did too. So we were left alone at the restaurant. He started talking...

He started telling me how our friend Mina, went ahead of us haha. Like he was waiting for the right time, the right moment and the right situation when we could talk about it. But it was a topic that was already open so might as well talk about it now. He told me how he and his dorm mate Aldrin have already spoken about it and he first jocked asking me if I wanted to know what he told him and I was like uhmmm we're already into the situation. Might as well say it already HAHA! So he told me how he wasn't gonna court me yet because of the situation how illegal it would be for me and the timing isn't right yet. Especially with what I had going on with my dad, it wouldn't be like a good time for it. And I was like I totally agree with him. That we were on the same page which was great. I told him what Jj's advice was to me about labeling things. I opened to him how scary it was if certain situations would pop along the way. Especially if he suddenly leaves but I told him that I was sure that he wouldn't do that sort of thing. He smiled when he heard that and so did I inside. I was sure of him that he wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt me. He would surely be vice-less, honest, loyal and always understanding to me. I told him that if he did court me at that moment I wouldn't say yes too because the time isn't right yet. YET. But if we were there at the spectacular, right moment, I would definitely say yes to him. We were leveled with each other in this situation that was great. We had an agreement and I was thankful we had that conversation. 

Wall Post: Three

First Move, Check

Suddenly we were under one roof three four days ago. Rewind though....

We suddenly had a long weekend due to holidays and so our church friend decided to throw a long weekend pool party just to celebrate the long weekend and to have fun. So my little brother and I decided to go but then we wanted Cronuts so we went pick up some first and had dinner out. I was like okay let's ust dress up semi-pambahay super casual like I have no fucking care who sees me haha So I just pulled on a grey statement vneck and a pair of black shorts and black slippers and I was out! So were were finished with dinner and that was around seven thirty and we were kinda late already but what the its a party! So while we were getting the bill someone texted me and I was like who could this be and it was HIM. IT. WAS. HIM. MY HANDS SERIOUSLY SHOOK, MY HEART JUST BEATED CONTINUOUSLY AND STRONGLY, MY MIND WAS ON A HIATUS!!!! Holy fucking shit I look like crap and HE ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TONIGHT AND I WAS LIKE FUUUUUUUCK WHAT DO I REPLY I NEED TO GO HOME AND CHANGE AND LOOK ABSOLUTELY HOT AND AMAZING BUT BUT BUT NO ONE COULD BRING ME HOME TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS SUPER ON PANIC MODE BECAUSE HE WAS GOING HE WAS GOING AND THE FACT THAT HE TEXTED ME?!!!!!!!! I was soooooooooooooooo nervous. Ok. So I told him I was going and I asked him if he was and obviously he was too and he told me that HE HAD SOMETHING TO SAY THAT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING AND CLEAR THINGS UP OMG I WAS LIKE FUUUUUUUUUUCK FUUUUUCK KILL ME I DON'T WANNA GO ANYMORE HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA BUT OF COURSE I REALLY WANTED TO BECAUSE I NEEDE AND WANTED TO HEAR WHAT HE HAD TO SAY. I WAS WEAK IN THE KNEES, MY CHEST WAS GIVING UP ON ME AND JUST MY WHOLE SYSTEM STARTED TO LOOSEN BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOOO NERVOUS. MY HEART KEPT ON BEATING AND I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE US FINALLY SEEING EACH OTHER!!!!! But okay no choice I can not back out and I can't not go and not hear what he has to say right? So okay we went there.

He didn't reply to my text anymore cause my phone effing broke just my luck huh? So okay. I was there and I didn't know where he was. I was hoping he wasn't there yet. So when I entered the house he was nowhere to be found. So okay I could breathe again!!! Coast clear! So got to talk to people and  I had to per badly and I thought okay I'll fix myself in the bathroom. The restroom was located underneath the staircase so I was walking towards the door and someone suddenly came down from the stairs and of course I looked and IT. WAS. HIM. I SMILED AT HIM BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I JUST WALKED FASTER AND LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE THE RESTROOM. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA. AND WHEN I WENT INSIDE OMG OMG OMG HE'S ALREADY HERE FUCK IT. OK HE ALREADY SAW ME I CAN'T HIDE ANYMORE BUT I WILL DEFINITELY NOT APPROACH HIM FIRST HE HAS TO APPROACH ME FIRST LIKE WTF YOU TALK TO ME NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. SO OKAY WE WERE KINDA SEPARATED BUT HE KEPT ON LOOKING AT ME AND DEEP INSIDE THAT FELT REALLY NICE like wow he wants to talk to me and see me hihihihi. I'm really easy to please, to make happy and all that. I'm a softy inside ok going back!!!! Everyone swan already and I was like oh no no spare clothes but wth let's go swim!! *sings Icons Pop* I don't care I love it! :))) 

Okay I am too pumped well going back so my little brother decided to pass by home to g us towels and clothes and so I went on and swam. I started on by the steps and I kinda stayed there and he came towards me and he kinda talked to me. He asked if I wanted to talk and I'm like yeah. And he was still kinda acting stupid and saying bull cause all he did was ask. He asked me if I was still confused, if it was the same questions, if I'm still mad and all that but I told him I wasn't and that I still had the same questions in mind. So I went first by asking you guys are technically still together so what am I and he suddenly said that he broke it off last night. And I was like HALLELUJAH HE BROKE UP WITH HER FINALLY FINALLY BUT AS IF ITS GONNA CHANGE A LOT????? Well it did okay. So that was kinda it. And he said that if I'm still mad just let it out and I was like that was one time I said all that I had to say and he finally told me what his concrete plans are and how he wanted us to be. He told me that he wants to make it up to me, to make things better and for us to be how we were before all these problems and quarreling came up and that kinda satisfied me already and after that we acted okay. He held my hands often which made me smile a lot but he was still kinda "ashamed" and showing PDA towards everyone which in my part I think I should understand. Other than that it went pretty okay :) so I'm kinda happy with that I guess.

So after that night we didn't text as much because he said he was busy. Like really busy and I guess I have to kinda understand that I guess. And I kinda always text first nowadays but I think I have to stop. I don't know if he needs space or what but that's the only problem. He doesn't share how he feels still. He made the first right move by finally breaking it off with her. At least his problem with her is done and it kinda gave sense to whatever we are right? I'm not the third party anymore but I may be called the reason why he broke it off with his ex girlfriend right? :) So I am kinda happy with that but he is distant. I'm not really sure if he's just busy or he just is still distant or maybe he just find this awkward? Here we go again with the MAYBES and WHAT IFS. 

And the thing is it's his birthday tomorrow. I wantED to do something special for him  but I guess plans backfire all the time. I guess I shouldn't do anything special but I still want to make him feel special so I'll try with words and by greeting him at exactly twelve midnight later :) I just hope he feels that I'm serious with this. He had made me feel happy and special and I want to try and make this work. I mean there's nothing to lose. We could always just try and put effort into it but if it doesn't we can always remain friends. What's there to lose?

Today's Today and Let's Just Be Once Again Reminded of Torment

Just read a man's statement shirt saying:

IF IGNORANCE IS

BLISS

THEN WHY

AREN'T YOU HAPPY?

Thinking about it why would someone be happy when they are being ignored

Especially being ignored by someone you love.

Incorporating this with my situation right now, I hate how people ignore each other and it does not even solves the situation whatever it is instead it makes it a lot worst. Not talking leads to no good because you don't get to know what the person really feels and without words, how can you solve something without words?

And right now, I feel like a fool. I'm being ignored for I don't know what reason and I just want him to talk to me. And yeah for almost half a month all I have been babbling about is him and this is just absurd. This isn't like me and I think that having these arguments with him has mad me fall for him somehow? Because I also wonder to myself why would I be that affected if I'm not totally into that guy right?

I'm just still so frustrated with everything and gosh I just hope this would end already.

From Deep Within: What is It?