First Move, Check

Suddenly we were under one roof three four days ago. Rewind though....

We suddenly had a long weekend due to holidays and so our church friend decided to throw a long weekend pool party just to celebrate the long weekend and to have fun. So my little brother and I decided to go but then we wanted Cronuts so we went pick up some first and had dinner out. I was like okay let's ust dress up semi-pambahay super casual like I have no fucking care who sees me haha So I just pulled on a grey statement vneck and a pair of black shorts and black slippers and I was out! So were were finished with dinner and that was around seven thirty and we were kinda late already but what the its a party! So while we were getting the bill someone texted me and I was like who could this be and it was HIM. IT. WAS. HIM. MY HANDS SERIOUSLY SHOOK, MY HEART JUST BEATED CONTINUOUSLY AND STRONGLY, MY MIND WAS ON A HIATUS!!!! Holy fucking shit I look like crap and HE ASKED ME IF I WAS GOING TONIGHT AND I WAS LIKE FUUUUUUUCK WHAT DO I REPLY I NEED TO GO HOME AND CHANGE AND LOOK ABSOLUTELY HOT AND AMAZING BUT BUT BUT NO ONE COULD BRING ME HOME TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS SUPER ON PANIC MODE BECAUSE HE WAS GOING HE WAS GOING AND THE FACT THAT HE TEXTED ME?!!!!!!!! I was soooooooooooooooo nervous. Ok. So I told him I was going and I asked him if he was and obviously he was too and he told me that HE HAD SOMETHING TO SAY THAT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING AND CLEAR THINGS UP OMG I WAS LIKE FUUUUUUUUUUCK FUUUUUCK KILL ME I DON'T WANNA GO ANYMORE HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA BUT OF COURSE I REALLY WANTED TO BECAUSE I NEEDE AND WANTED TO HEAR WHAT HE HAD TO SAY. I WAS WEAK IN THE KNEES, MY CHEST WAS GIVING UP ON ME AND JUST MY WHOLE SYSTEM STARTED TO LOOSEN BECAUSE I WAS SOOOOOO NERVOUS. MY HEART KEPT ON BEATING AND I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE US FINALLY SEEING EACH OTHER!!!!! But okay no choice I can not back out and I can't not go and not hear what he has to say right? So okay we went there.

He didn't reply to my text anymore cause my phone effing broke just my luck huh? So okay. I was there and I didn't know where he was. I was hoping he wasn't there yet. So when I entered the house he was nowhere to be found. So okay I could breathe again!!! Coast clear! So got to talk to people and  I had to per badly and I thought okay I'll fix myself in the bathroom. The restroom was located underneath the staircase so I was walking towards the door and someone suddenly came down from the stairs and of course I looked and IT. WAS. HIM. I SMILED AT HIM BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I JUST WALKED FASTER AND LOCKED MYSELF INSIDE THE RESTROOM. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA. AND WHEN I WENT INSIDE OMG OMG OMG HE'S ALREADY HERE FUCK IT. OK HE ALREADY SAW ME I CAN'T HIDE ANYMORE BUT I WILL DEFINITELY NOT APPROACH HIM FIRST HE HAS TO APPROACH ME FIRST LIKE WTF YOU TALK TO ME NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. SO OKAY WE WERE KINDA SEPARATED BUT HE KEPT ON LOOKING AT ME AND DEEP INSIDE THAT FELT REALLY NICE like wow he wants to talk to me and see me hihihihi. I'm really easy to please, to make happy and all that. I'm a softy inside ok going back!!!! Everyone swan already and I was like oh no no spare clothes but wth let's go swim!! *sings Icons Pop* I don't care I love it! :))) 

Okay I am too pumped well going back so my little brother decided to pass by home to g us towels and clothes and so I went on and swam. I started on by the steps and I kinda stayed there and he came towards me and he kinda talked to me. He asked if I wanted to talk and I'm like yeah. And he was still kinda acting stupid and saying bull cause all he did was ask. He asked me if I was still confused, if it was the same questions, if I'm still mad and all that but I told him I wasn't and that I still had the same questions in mind. So I went first by asking you guys are technically still together so what am I and he suddenly said that he broke it off last night. And I was like HALLELUJAH HE BROKE UP WITH HER FINALLY FINALLY BUT AS IF ITS GONNA CHANGE A LOT????? Well it did okay. So that was kinda it. And he said that if I'm still mad just let it out and I was like that was one time I said all that I had to say and he finally told me what his concrete plans are and how he wanted us to be. He told me that he wants to make it up to me, to make things better and for us to be how we were before all these problems and quarreling came up and that kinda satisfied me already and after that we acted okay. He held my hands often which made me smile a lot but he was still kinda "ashamed" and showing PDA towards everyone which in my part I think I should understand. Other than that it went pretty okay :) so I'm kinda happy with that I guess.

So after that night we didn't text as much because he said he was busy. Like really busy and I guess I have to kinda understand that I guess. And I kinda always text first nowadays but I think I have to stop. I don't know if he needs space or what but that's the only problem. He doesn't share how he feels still. He made the first right move by finally breaking it off with her. At least his problem with her is done and it kinda gave sense to whatever we are right? I'm not the third party anymore but I may be called the reason why he broke it off with his ex girlfriend right? :) So I am kinda happy with that but he is distant. I'm not really sure if he's just busy or he just is still distant or maybe he just find this awkward? Here we go again with the MAYBES and WHAT IFS. 

And the thing is it's his birthday tomorrow. I wantED to do something special for him  but I guess plans backfire all the time. I guess I shouldn't do anything special but I still want to make him feel special so I'll try with words and by greeting him at exactly twelve midnight later :) I just hope he feels that I'm serious with this. He had made me feel happy and special and I want to try and make this work. I mean there's nothing to lose. We could always just try and put effort into it but if it doesn't we can always remain friends. What's there to lose?

Today's Today and Let's Just Be Once Again Reminded of Torment

Just read a man's statement shirt saying:

IF IGNORANCE IS

BLISS

THEN WHY

AREN'T YOU HAPPY?

Thinking about it why would someone be happy when they are being ignored

Especially being ignored by someone you love.

Incorporating this with my situation right now, I hate how people ignore each other and it does not even solves the situation whatever it is instead it makes it a lot worst. Not talking leads to no good because you don't get to know what the person really feels and without words, how can you solve something without words?

And right now, I feel like a fool. I'm being ignored for I don't know what reason and I just want him to talk to me. And yeah for almost half a month all I have been babbling about is him and this is just absurd. This isn't like me and I think that having these arguments with him has mad me fall for him somehow? Because I also wonder to myself why would I be that affected if I'm not totally into that guy right?

I'm just still so frustrated with everything and gosh I just hope this would end already.

Dumbass, Think Better

I have poured myself out to you and what do I get? Nada. I went on, swallowed my pride and I told you most of what I feel, what I'm thinking, what I want to happen and a lot more but you return me with useless words. I've explained how I truly felt but I did not quite understand how you do. You're seriously not dumb but whenever I ask you specific things and I even give you choices, you answer me me indirectly, vaguely and unsurely. You got me wondering, are you still even that interested to fix 'this' whatever this even is. He is so secretive but he seems sincere somehow. But the Thing is, I don't feel like he want to fight for me. The thing is, he's technically still together with his girlfriend despite the fact that he broke things off already but the girl doesn't want to and despite them still talking to each other. Well according to him, they barely talk but still. What I mean is if the two of them are still technically together, why does he have to bring me in to the picture? And if he really does not want to be with the girl anymore, why won't he just break up with her and tell her and everyone that it's really over? It kinda seem to me that he can not let go of his girlfriend. If he really does not want to be in that relationship anymore, he could like push him away and all but he didn't. Instead he brings me in to his life, leads me on and messes my life up. He made me like him so much but he doesn't talk to me straight nor he treats me right?

He keeps on saying that he wants to make things up for me and I'm like okay please define making things up. Where? How? And other things. I mean come on. Why not just tell me? He is so hesitant with everything especially with how we answers things. If he is not hiding anything, why won't he just tell me how he truly feels and everything on his mind. I'm not the super bitchy person who reacts violently with everything a person says but I just act that way if the person annoys me and right now he does because he is such a mute. An intelligent person acting so dumbly and it is so frustrating. Really really frustrating because I have already asked him a lot of questions and told him almost everything but he doesn't give anything. I can not read him, I can not understand how he thinks, what he really feels and all. He is hiding under his rock. He has this force field, made especially for me? That eve thing coming out of his mouth is somewhat censored?

It is terribly hard especially on my part because I'm in a state of doubt and question. I doubt everything he says because he doesn't act upon his words. He says he wants to make it up to me and all he could do to make things up to me is to talk me through everything. He just needs to make me understand his side. That is all I want from him. But he acts so dumb that he does not understand what I want him to do. I can not expect anything from him, but he could at least TRY doing something to make me feel that he's fighting for me. 

I just could not contain my anger anymore. I know we are not together but I kind of have to get mad already so that he'd be awaken from whatever or wherever he is. I just told him how frustrated I am, how he should have told me things especially the ex girlfriend scenario, that what am I to him and that he should not make a fool out of me even though I am already. And now I am just patiently waiting for his response. I just hope he'd act properly, think smart and think LOGICALLY. COME ON PLEASE. I just really want this to work but it's his problem he should first fix. Before choosing me, break up with the girl first PLEASE. I do not want to be the other girl. Ever. I know I am too good for that.