And Sometimes...

All a girl needs is the assurance that:

a. You do love her

b. You will not leave her

c. You will care for her

d. You will be there for her

e. You will still love her tomorrow

A Big Big...

SIGH

I'll be honest. So let me admit this now. I am hurting a lot with how he is. I am now weak. I am not as strong as I was before. It feels like I've been consumed by the ones who haunted my past and now, I can not give to the one person who truly deserves it as much as I want to give more.

It is hard. I do not know if I need to be more understanding, forgiving, selfless and mindful of him. I'll carry the pain. I'll learn to shut down too. I'll learn to keep things to myself too. I'll learn to not to tell you everything and I'll learn to reply longer. I'll learn not to yearn. I'll learn not to seek.

I will not just learn but I will do all those starting now.


And let's just see how you'll feel.

March 10 2O14

It has been nine days since we last held hands.

Wow. I seriously counted that. 

I mean, holding hands has been our thing since Valentine's day. It feels safe and really nice holding each others' hands like we did not care about how others thought about us or anything. It was how we expressed our feelings for each other.

It's different when we hold hands. It's not just the mere act of it but for me it is so much more. It's being proud that you are with that person, it signifies how much you value the person you are with that you would want them in your life. It somehow signifies possession that she is yours and the other way around. It signifies love in so many ways. It's as if everything fits perfectly whenever your hands meet and interlocks. Isn't? And the feeling you get whenever you hold hands with someone. It's as if it were the first time all the time. Butterflies suddenly flutters in your tummy, your heart starts to race, your eyes starting to glitter and your cheeks flushed with color.

I miss this. I miss the sweet side of him. I miss the caring him. I miss the real talks. I miss the kilig he makes me feel. I miss the effort he puts into things. I miss being the attraction of his eyes whenever I am mixed within a crowd. I miss his voice that assures if I am okay. I miss the hands that used to hang on my back. I miss the fingers that gives warmth to mine.

All I want in a relationship is honesty, trust, love and consistency. Without these things, you would slowly lose me. I believe in the saying that if you want someone to stay in your life, you have to make an effort to make them stay. Do not take them for granted nor forsake them. Remind them that they are loved and make them feel cherished, for when they leave, the fault would be on your side. You did not give them enough will to stay. Despite the safety I give to people, do not ever take me for granted. Not because you'd get the assurance from me that I wouldn't leave, I eventually will if you do not take care of me. Never be complacent with the person you love.

I have a long stream of patience and a height of understanding but do not ever push me to that limit. I will become used to it, numb and eventually I will have the strength to say no, to say that this is enough and I WILL leave. 

Please. I am giving him seven days to realize his mistakes. I hope he does. I will just reciprocate how he would treat me as of now and I just hope that he would become sensitive enough to feel that I want more. That I NEED to feel that he does care for me and that he would change his ways to make me stay and to keep me with him.

All I need is the feeling of being cherished every moment that you can and I hope this is not too much to ask.

I hope and all I can do is to hope.

Good Morning News?

Okay so I admit. I am such a huge stalker only because I do not know things and the fact that we do not have common friends. This is the only way I could check things and know some this. By stalking. I can say that this sounds really wrong and somewhat disgusting in a sense that EWW WHY AM I DOING THS? I seriously do nt want to look sodesperate and shit but this is the only way. 

So okay. The girl's Twitter description is:

Instagram @asdfghklh

@GUYSNAME's 

Okay and I just checked her Twitter now and the "@GUYSNAME's part has been removed.

SO

OH

MY

FREAKING

GOSH

HAVE THEY SERIOUSLY BROKEN UP NOW?!!!!!!

I mean IS THIS FOR REAL SOMEONE PLEASE CONFIRM THIS TO ME

I NEED TO KNOW. 

I NEED SOMEONE TO CONFIRM THIS 

I NEED HIM TO TELL ME!!!!!!

Okay I don't want to jinx this but wow. I just felt a little bit of relief when I saw this. 

I am just a little bit excited to know

I hope he texts me already though. 

He hasn't replied to my super-slightly-angry-bitch-mode-ON-in-your-face-don't-be-dumb text.

Dumbass, Think Better

I have poured myself out to you and what do I get? Nada. I went on, swallowed my pride and I told you most of what I feel, what I'm thinking, what I want to happen and a lot more but you return me with useless words. I've explained how I truly felt but I did not quite understand how you do. You're seriously not dumb but whenever I ask you specific things and I even give you choices, you answer me me indirectly, vaguely and unsurely. You got me wondering, are you still even that interested to fix 'this' whatever this even is. He is so secretive but he seems sincere somehow. But the Thing is, I don't feel like he want to fight for me. The thing is, he's technically still together with his girlfriend despite the fact that he broke things off already but the girl doesn't want to and despite them still talking to each other. Well according to him, they barely talk but still. What I mean is if the two of them are still technically together, why does he have to bring me in to the picture? And if he really does not want to be with the girl anymore, why won't he just break up with her and tell her and everyone that it's really over? It kinda seem to me that he can not let go of his girlfriend. If he really does not want to be in that relationship anymore, he could like push him away and all but he didn't. Instead he brings me in to his life, leads me on and messes my life up. He made me like him so much but he doesn't talk to me straight nor he treats me right?

He keeps on saying that he wants to make things up for me and I'm like okay please define making things up. Where? How? And other things. I mean come on. Why not just tell me? He is so hesitant with everything especially with how we answers things. If he is not hiding anything, why won't he just tell me how he truly feels and everything on his mind. I'm not the super bitchy person who reacts violently with everything a person says but I just act that way if the person annoys me and right now he does because he is such a mute. An intelligent person acting so dumbly and it is so frustrating. Really really frustrating because I have already asked him a lot of questions and told him almost everything but he doesn't give anything. I can not read him, I can not understand how he thinks, what he really feels and all. He is hiding under his rock. He has this force field, made especially for me? That eve thing coming out of his mouth is somewhat censored?

It is terribly hard especially on my part because I'm in a state of doubt and question. I doubt everything he says because he doesn't act upon his words. He says he wants to make it up to me and all he could do to make things up to me is to talk me through everything. He just needs to make me understand his side. That is all I want from him. But he acts so dumb that he does not understand what I want him to do. I can not expect anything from him, but he could at least TRY doing something to make me feel that he's fighting for me. 

I just could not contain my anger anymore. I know we are not together but I kind of have to get mad already so that he'd be awaken from whatever or wherever he is. I just told him how frustrated I am, how he should have told me things especially the ex girlfriend scenario, that what am I to him and that he should not make a fool out of me even though I am already. And now I am just patiently waiting for his response. I just hope he'd act properly, think smart and think LOGICALLY. COME ON PLEASE. I just really want this to work but it's his problem he should first fix. Before choosing me, break up with the girl first PLEASE. I do not want to be the other girl. Ever. I know I am too good for that.

Day Seven

A hundred and fifty-nine hours had passed since we last spoke and for the past days, all I've been thinking of is him and the situation at hand. Mostly I was just thinking "Why won't he text me?" For days I've been waiting for a text or a phone call of just something from him communicating to me but he did nothing. A feeling even crossed my mind that maybe it was already over? Or maybe he's just too guilty of what he had done that he could not find the courage to talk to me. Or maybe he's too shy to explain whatever it is that's on his mind. Or maybe he just does not know what to say. Or maybe he's waiting for me to talk to him so we're just waiting for each other and with that nothing would happen. 

And this suddenly crossed my mind. Maybe I was selfish for just thinking about myself and what happened. Flashback: it all started with how he acted last Sunday. He was distant, kinda cold and really not himself and I wondered about that a lot of times already. And the word selfishness just suddenly popped in my mind yesterday. Maybe I was too selfish for thinking only about myself. What if the reason why he was acting as how he did was because he had something going on? maybe he had problems of his own and he acted that way. What if he needed me but I wasn't there for him? I thought a lot about it and it is a big possibility. Why would someone act that way right? Or maybe he just suddenly lost interest? There are a lot of what ifs, buts and other questions bothering me and I just need for us to finally talk to each other to really clear things up. All we need to do is talk and I hope that happens. 

I told my friends about this (By the way a couple of them already has him because of what he's doing but majority of them understands the situations). I told them what I've thought about yesterday which was maybe I was just selfish. I shared this idea: I think I should text him because if I don't, I don't think we'd ever talk again nor will I be at peace with what's really gonna happen. I also told them that maybe I should have texted him "Good luck on your UPCAT." last Saturday but i did not and they thought it was a good idea especially the good luck test but I lost my chance. I did not wish him good luck. But they are considering me texting him already. I'm kinda glad they agreed with me. I know PRIDE was and is still is a problem here. But the problem is, I could not really form what I wanted to tell him. I know I want to tell him how I feel, what I've been experiencing the past days, my questions, the possibilities, where we stand, how he is, what's going on with him, ask what he feels and is thinking and a lot more especially asking for time if we can talk in person. All of those I wanted to text in one long message but I seriously could not find the words to even start my text. And I seriously can not tell him that I've been feeling down, bothered, stressed, sad, kinda heart broken and all those because I so do not want to look weak. I mean what if I say those and he does not even feel the same right? I would look so dumb saying all those and I would have made a big fool out of myself which I would never want to happen. I have honestly been there and it's one of the worse things that anyone could feel. Going back though, I also wanted to tell him how I miss him but I'm afraid that he won't feel e same. Maybe the span of us not talking had changed how he feels or felt towards me. I'm afraid to lose someone whom I know I would regret in the future. I've missed my chance with my ex boyfriend because I let him go for some childish dumb reason. And with this present guy, I do NOT want to regret this anymore. I want to do my best to somewhat save this and make progress after. He has been the only reason why I am happy the past two months and I do not want that happiness taken away from me. I do not want to sound desperate, especially to him, but that's how I honestly feel. I'm just really afraid that after a year, when I see he's doing better and with someone who is extremely happy that I'd regret this. 

I gave this some serious talk. After telling my friends they pushed me to text him. They understood my point that maybe I was selfish and prideful and I accept that. I took some time, focused and concentrated on myself, what I feel, how I feel and looked for the words, the right words to say. I started of by saying hey and told him a glimpse of how I felt, what was on my mind and what I wanted to happen which is for us to talk. I sent it three hours ago and I'm just hoping he replies. Just the fact that he would reply is a great thing for me. I don't expect that we'd be able to fix whatever but I hope. I hope for the best. I hope for a good and fruitful conversation.

I miss him and a single text would ease that. I really like him and I hope he still feels the same. 

Third Party

I have always been the second option. I mean come on. Why am I always that one girl who doesn't get chosen first. I've been inking actually maybe I'm always the second choice maybe because I make those guys happier than with whom they are currently with but I mean what kind of guy does that? I hate lying and cheating falls under that category but what I mean is why? Why do those guys who like me has to be taken? I've been through liking three or four different guys who are apparently taken. And since they are taken I immediately back off. I'm not the stealer type because I've been through that situation where someone left me for a different person and it feels so bad. It's like getting one of your organ  removed from you where you have no choice at all because it was already removed. Feeling betrayed, stabbed, and everything else that feels so humiliating. It's not like you have a choice if someone leaves you right? You'd feel broken and cheated and believe me, your self-esteem would definitely fall. You'd wonder to yourself, why did this person do this to me? What did I lack in? Was I not enough? Was I not good? Did you just not want me anymore? A lot of questions are going to be asked but in the end you'd be left alone.

With this whatever you call this thing that I have right now, everything started really smoothly. Everything was actually perfect. I missed how great it felt to be liked, to be praised, to be taken care of, to be thought of, to be sweet to and all that and I was terribly happy. Everyone saw it in my eyes, in my smiles and in my laughs. I was a total different person because I was happy. I kinda understand myself why I became like that because I missed the feeling of being loved. I really missed it and this guy gave me all that. Everything was perfect until that day came and in addition, the things that I saw. How can someone so lovely and beautiful be so deceiving? Cheating? Making me the third party??? I mean come on man. That happiness just suddenly came out of me in a snap. Like a black hole sucked every bit of happiness I was feeling. Everything seemed to collapse around me like how could this happen? I did not fully believe at first what I saw so I confronted him about it but I was let down. I did not feel being fought for like I was nothing to him. I was really wondering why could this happen like I could no accept what had happened. 

It has been five fucking days since we last spoke. Do you even think of me? If he really liked me, he would have done something or said something just to make me feel something even anything. I need closure or just words to somewhat make me understand or to just let me know what the truth is. I feel so down in the dumps that I can't even focus with school, act properly around my family, talk enthusiastically with my friends and all. I feel like I just want to be alone. I know this is bad but this is how I feel. I'm tired of faking smiles around people just to make them not worry about me. I feel so beaten up and I beat up myself about this situation. I feel so forsaken, forgotten and irrelevant. I feel invisible. I just want to be kept unspoken to and alone. I want peace and solidarity like fuck you don't talk to me unless you're him and that he wants to explain everything freely, honestly and sincerely. Don't get me wrong, he is sincere but I can't seem to fully believe him? I don't know I jut can't seem to feel the honesty? Maybe because he hasn't passed the trustworthy barrier for me. 

I am not myself right now and I kinda blame him and myself. I am honestly too hung up on him like fuck him why did he do this to me? And fuck me for liking him too much that thinking about him and the situation consumes me. I can't do things properly at all. I just focus of releasing everything I feel which is anger and hurt. Though I can not seem to fully hate him and show how angry I really am like removing the smile mask and bringing the hell devil me. No I can not actually do that. I constantly think about him and even if my friends are disapproved of him already I still defend him which is actually stupid come to think of it. He is honestly a stupid douche for doing these things but I can not seem to figure out what the truth really is.  I usually am able to know the truth but in this situation oh damn I so can not. 

Another thing is that it is so hard to tell what he's thinking. I have not really figured him out in the sense that I don't know how he thinks, how he would react to certain occurrences, how he would respond to words, how he would act about a certain situation and all that. I do not fully know him and I regret not knowing that for the first month we've been seeing each other. And I regret no fully knowing the real him during those two months. 

It has been over five freaking days since he last spoke to me. I mean man. Where are your effing balls like come on? Are you not going to do anything? Or are you waiting to see me so you could do or say whatever it is that you want in person? 

A lot of my friends have given me their opinions about it and it is a long list of possibilities I would like to share:

1. Maybe he does not know what to say or do so he just chose to give you space. 

2. Maybe he's caught up in his lies and he just chose to forget about you leaving you with no closure. 

3. Maybe he's waiting for Sunday to see you and surprise you to make up for what had happened

4. Maybe he needed time to think for himself what he did wrong, where he went wrong and etc.

5. Maybe he's so dumb to figure out that he should talk to me rather than just shutting up

6. Maybe he cheated on his girlfriend and he feels guilty for doing so, so he just chose to be loyal and forget about the other girl which is me

7. Maybe he just suddenly lost interest in me so he chose to stop communicating

8. Maybe he suddenly realized that he did not really like me so he stopped 

9. Maybe he's just a real douche who keeps on liking girls, when he gets bored with them leaves them like deserted islands or whatever like trash 

MY MIND IS KIND OF EXPLODING BECAUSE SUNDAY IS NEAR AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. I DO NOT KNOW IF I WOULD LET SUNDAY BE THE LAST DAY OF CHANCE OR THE ELEVENTH TO SEE IF HE WOULD EFFORT TO HIS SO CALLED GIRLFRJVFLVJDVOJSO JS WHO BY THE WAY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HOMO ERECTUS LIKE A NOMAD LIKE A BAFOON. SHE'S SHRIMP/HIPON (ugly face sexy body) and SHE'S RICH BUT COME ON WHY WOULD YOU TRADE ME FOR THAT?!!!!! Violent reaction much? But seriously I am kinda better looking, older, smarter, sweeter and more caring than her but with experience and what they've been through mayb that weighs more. Ok of course it weighs more but how could he? 

I just need the truth and I'm done. 

The TRUTH is seriously all I need to finish this unending thoughts

I NEED. THE. TRUTH. TO STOP ME FROM MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MY SELF

As they say: the TRUTH will set you FREE