March 2nd 2O14

I have never expected to dig up that side of me when I was still in high school - that part of me where I regretted the most where I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I thought I was making myself happy, despite me knowing that it was immorally wrong and just plain wrong (up until it was legalized in some parts of the world). I honestly went through four partners. I was happy but now, I totally regret that I gave in to that temptation. 



 When I graduated from high school and ended it with my last which was during the early parts of my first semester in college, I wanted to dig it way behind me and get rid of every memory, every evidence and every anything that could relate me back to them. I wanted it out of my life. I wanted it erased from my being and everything that has to do with getting it away from me. But I couldn't. All I could do was hide it and to keep it hidden for life.

I must admit that at some of those times I was happy but then most of it, I was living in my dark years. I was more selfish, cruel, ruthless, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful, disobedient and so much more that would NOT have happened if I did not give in to temptation but I did. But it is all over now thank God. I learned from my mistakes and will keep in mind to keep strong and think straight.



So today, that side of me was brought to light. When Charlene and I saw each other a couple of days back, she asked me if he knew about her. And I was like uhm no. I honestly did not know how to open it to him. I was even afraid of telling him because things might change especially with how he would think of me, see me and treat me. I was afraid of somewhat losing him. I thought about things changing if I tell him. I thought about him pulling away if I did say the truth. I thought about him changing how he would treat me. I thought about negative things that he would think if I tell him and so much more. But what I thought of mostly is this: WHERE IS HONESTY AND TRUST IN OUR RELATIONSHIP IF I DO NOT TELL HIM. NOTHING WOULD PROGRESS AND OUR RELATIONSHIP WOULD NOT BE GENUINE IF I DID NOT LEARN HOW TO BE HONEST AND IF I DID NOT FULLY TRUST HIM. I strongly believe that a relationship is based on trust and honesty. If those two are not present or evident in a relationship, then that 'relationship' is no relationship at all. That so called relationship would not work. It would not last nor would it be worth it. In a relationship, both partners must learn how to be honest despite whatever you think the outcome would be and to learn how to trust in your partner.

 Without fear, with honesty in mind and a strong heart, I finally told him. I was really nervous. But I just did it anyway. And he just nodded. He still accepted me after what I told him. I asked if he had side comments, comments, or whatever he wanted to say but he did not say anything. I was still nervous that time but maybe he really didn't have anything to say. He just said that it was okay. I felt like it was no big deal for him. I was glad that things did not change. He still remained as the sleepyhead he is and he still had his arm hanging on my bag, his hands clasped around mine and his smile angled towards me.