People Who Are Too Nice That You Could NOT Imagine nor Fathom Them Doing Wrong (and the like)

MUST admit that I am thinking on this a lot haha
I am honestly okay now. I am not hurting and I feel like I am nearing towards brightness,
towards the happiness I used to finish. I know I am damaged but I may always be patched
up. Yes, it will take time and tons of overloading effort and ways to do so, but I will be
whole again. I do know that.

I am just thinking about why he did so though. Just wondering in my mind why things
came to that certain point.

My thoughts on this and with the things that has happened or are still happening (?) are
still on point. It just makes me think not as often as before and okay I still do stalk with
his social media accounts just to somehow keep on track and see if he's feeling still.
That's what I worry or wonder the most about. I want to KNOW firstly what he feels.
Is he sad? Broken hearted? Worried about me? Scared? Happy? Free? or what? I just
need an answer to that question maybe not exactly what but at least and idea what he's
feeling. Another is what he's thinking. Scratch that. Is he thinking about me? Every night,
everyday, sometimes, often? Next is what is is he planning to do? We are (I have not
decided yet) unfortunately/fortunately transferred to the same section which is the cream
or star section of our batch. So that probably means that I belong to the top forty students
in our batch. So that out of around 650++ students. Which is something to be proud of and
actually HAPPY about but I'm not. And my friend Kim told me to act civil and just not
let everything bother me. Heart even said that I should not be doing shitty things just
because of some stupid asshole and he is goddamn right!

I must regain my sense of optimism and everything good in me!!!
I can do this and I have survived through worse and I KNOW I CAN DO THIS



I BELIEVE IN MYSELF

I am...

Broken. 

I am not as optimistic as I used to be

I am not as patient as I used to be

I am not as encouraging now

I am not organized anymore

My mind is scattered

I am all over the place.

My heart is broken,

How can it mend?

Payatan Diaries: Summer 2014: Page 2

April 6, 2014 Sunday
Starting weight: 113.8 lbs.
Second weight: 111.6 lbs.
Current weight: 112.4 lbs.


Food plan:
- Minimal caffeine (Includes coffee, milk tea, tea & chocolates)
- Less rice
- No beef as usual
- No processed food
- A little binge eating ERRR
- Minimal sweets hehe






Exercise plan:
- ZUMBAAAA!!!!!


Realizations:
- Stomach is still soft eww
- Stronger arms
- Firm legs hahahaha
MUST JOG TOO!!
MUST BE CONSISTENT WITH FOOD.


Gonna try:
- Fruits, veggies and H2O diet
- High protein diet

Payatan Diaries: Summer 2014: Page 1

March 28, 2014 Friday 
Starting weight: 113.8 lbs.

 Food plan:
- No caffeine (Includes coffee, milk tea, tea & chocolates)
- Less rice
- No beef as usual
- No processed food

Exercise plan:
- NO EXERCISE YET HUHU :(



March 31, 2014 Monday
Current weight: 111.6 lbs.


Food plan:
- A little caffeine
- Less rice
- No beef, processed food
- Less salt!
- Eat slower


Realizations:
Clean eating helps!
Happy vibes helps a lot! Decreases pollutants in the body A.K.A. Stress Toxins
No stress doesn't leads to binge eating
Control is a must
Think before whatever you place inside your mouth
No to midnight snacks!
Sleep is for the weak HAHA
HAPPY VIBES!!!!!

NO EXERCISE STILL ERRR!!


Plan for the coming days:
Replace snacks to plain popcorn
Eat more fruits and vegetables
No to binging
EXERCISE PLS

FACTS ABOUT POPCORN:
 http://www.bottomlinepublications.com/content/article/diet-a-exercise/popcorneven-healthier-than-you-thought

IT'S really a healthier choice of snack over anything else! Just don't forget to keep it purely popcorn as possible! No butter, salt, powdered flavorings or anything else ;)

March 21st 2O14

Today was supposed to be the day full of fun, laughter, jokes and partying but it turned out to be the day of complete sorrow and bad vibes.

We didn't see each other during the morning nor did he tried communing with me. Last night, I sent him this malaNOBELA message over Facebook and I was just SEEN ZONED. FUCKERY. TOTAL BULL CRAP

SHITTY LIFE. SHIT SHIT SHIT. CRAP. CRAPPY

So we just went on preparing for the debut of our friend. Bought flowers at Dangua, changed at Lumera and drives our way through coding window, had McDonald's and went to Romulo. Bogs and I just spoke outside the car in the parking lot. He told me how he is so immature and effortless towards me. I was stupid how I expected a lot from him. Fuck how it hurts how he didn't want to talk or whatever and it was full of crap.

So they told me about how Clark, Carlo and him were fighting. How we sent this long hugot message to the two boys where he felt that he was OP, that they weren't there for him when he needed them the most. So much hurtful thoughts flowed in mind. How he didn't trust me, how undeeded I am, how useless I was, how insignificant I am to his life. Like what's the us of me in his life if he didn't trust me enough that he opens his problems to me. What the fuck does that supposed to make me feel?! I tell you: CRAP. Life is so complex right now and how I wish he would just TALK TO ME SO THINGS WOULD ALLEVIATE FROM WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

I just cried in front of my three friends. Clark advised me that if I love him that much I shouldn't stop I should give up. He knows how immature he is and how he didn't know what to do but he assured me how much he likes me so I shouldn't give up. I said BUT wag siyang tanga. Ang Hirap ng nakalutang lamang sa ere. I felt useless, used and crappy. 

So we just went through tepee debut. We even thought thatCarlo and him weren't gonna come but surprisingly they did. I was pretty shocked because I just came from the comfort room when they suddenly were there approaching the door. We didn't talk to each other. We didn't.  He didn't say a word and I was like FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS?! 

After the debut we went to Space to go clubbing and when the first batch went in I immediately grabbed a bottle of mixed vodka and just drank my feelings away until he came in and I couldn't be able to drink anymore. He didn't like that I drank. 

So they were seated on the couches but I didn't want to sit with them. Carlo suddenly asked me if I wanted to take a shot and I was like yup I totally do and so he told me to like sit near them and foolish of me I DID sit near them. I wished I didn't. So Gef was handing out shots and then to me. He first asked me if i wanted a shot and I was like yeah. And he looked at me with the YOURE TAKING A SHOT?! And I was like UUUGH YEAH. and he gave me the look ARE YOU SERIOUS?! And I'm like DUUH WHAGCHA THINK?! And he rolled his eyes looking away. So Gef was handing out the shot to me and he pushed his hands away so that I wouldn't take the drink. And I was like WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY DO YOU EVEN SERIOUSLY CARE FOR ME OR JUST FOR SHOW OR WHAT?!!!! ANG LABO MO PARE SOBRANG LABO MO. Clark sat back in between us and I suddenly cried and cried and went away and cried and went back. I told Carlo to bring me home already. So Clark and him went with us. We were just at the back seat not saying anything. Not a word. I even gave hints for him to talk to me but nothing. When I got home, I went immediately to my room and just broke down crying, I cried and I waited for a text but nothing. Nothing at all.