February 28th 2014 (2 of 2)

The day went on smoothly. I kept strong and just wanted to fold into someone and that was in him. I saw him an hour after I arrived in school. He was there and he lent his ears to me and I was thankful I could open to him. I felt really comfortable with him that I just started tearing up and he just sat beside me and started to hug me. He thinks in a way where he considers every aspect, every option and with every person involved. He's selfless and I need selflessness in my life. He gave me ideas that were accurate with how the situation with me and dad were in. It felt good that I could've opened that to him yet I was shy because I knew he went through so much already that he learned to be strong and I was there beside him slightly breaking down and thinking lowly of myself. But despite that I knew I should smile. I was stronger. I felt stronger. I easily was able to pick myself up and just thought: LIFE GOES ON. JUST DEAL WITH EVERY AND SNY SITUATION. 

I am thankful for him. I really am. He somewhat understands me and he totally makes me feel safe. 

Lunch came and it was just me, him and Carlo who came to school that day. So we has lunch together. Fortunately, our two kabarkada ex-classmates had the same break as ours so we bonded over lunch. They were curious about how he and I have our thing now hehe. So they told me to tell them our story and I was like noooo he's just here beside me!! That would be totally awkward yet nice but noooo. So they suggested that they would just ask questions and that we just answer them and I was like fine with it so yeah. So they asked their first question, when did this all start? I looked at him and told him to answer my friend. And he answered first during his birthday and I was like uhm no? It was two days after his birthday!! Haha. So he told the story what happened and he asked me  was that the one in the dorm? And I was like yes! And they reacted so funnily cause they assumed if we like did something HAHA. And we were like noooooo. So he told the story how he admitted and I responding to his admittance 😋 So next question: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS? And then again we couldn't answer because we didn't know where we are haha. But we are happy that's for sure especially for me. So pass pass next question please! So third and last question:  are you courting Tin or are you MU or are you counting for MU or courting courting??  And we suddenly looked at each other and we definitely had the same thing in mind: THIS IS A TOPIC WE HAVENT DISCUSSED YET AND SHE ALREADY ASKED UUUUUUGH KROO KROO. HAHA. CRAZY HOW WE THINK ALIKE AT TIMES. So we were like referring to the previous question idk. Can't really answer the question because he honestly had no idea what to answer and to answer without us having discussed it HAHA. 

So after all the questioning our two girl friends left for class and Carlo did too. So we were left alone at the restaurant. He started talking...

He started telling me how our friend Mina, went ahead of us haha. Like he was waiting for the right time, the right moment and the right situation when we could talk about it. But it was a topic that was already open so might as well talk about it now. He told me how he and his dorm mate Aldrin have already spoken about it and he first jocked asking me if I wanted to know what he told him and I was like uhmmm we're already into the situation. Might as well say it already HAHA! So he told me how he wasn't gonna court me yet because of the situation how illegal it would be for me and the timing isn't right yet. Especially with what I had going on with my dad, it wouldn't be like a good time for it. And I was like I totally agree with him. That we were on the same page which was great. I told him what Jj's advice was to me about labeling things. I opened to him how scary it was if certain situations would pop along the way. Especially if he suddenly leaves but I told him that I was sure that he wouldn't do that sort of thing. He smiled when he heard that and so did I inside. I was sure of him that he wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt me. He would surely be vice-less, honest, loyal and always understanding to me. I told him that if he did court me at that moment I wouldn't say yes too because the time isn't right yet. YET. But if we were there at the spectacular, right moment, I would definitely say yes to him. We were leveled with each other in this situation that was great. We had an agreement and I was thankful we had that conversation. 

February 28th 2014 (1 of 2)

I woke up today ahead of my alarm. It was cold in my room despite the electric fans weren't turned on with my sheets covering me. It was still really dark outside. I swear I still saw the moon above the sky. I started my day with a kinda warm bath and got ready for school. 

I then realized that it was the third day that my father and I haven't been in good terms. We were 'kroo kroo' since Sunday evening when I got home late from Batangas. Silent treatment once again for my disobedience and wrong doings. I presumed that today would be the day where he would finally talk to me. Not just talk but scold me, get angry at me and so much more. He brought me to school. Fifteen minutes into the usual forty five minute drive to school, he started asking me why I got home past my curfew, if I was telling the truth about our agenda that Sunday and more. Of course I defended myself and told him half of the truth and also what he wanted to hear. But then it wasn't working. The typical him still got mad at me and went on scolding me for being untruthful, disobedience, discontented, ungrateful, selfish and the list goes on. I could honestly name a hundred adjectives that my father uses when he scolds me. (though I must make a special solo post for that.) Kidding aside, I don't think of my father that he's mean and unloving but it's just that he's too much when he gets mad. Going back to what happened, he then said what my brother told him, that we were killing him due to all the frustrations my siblings and I cause him. It was so hurtful to hear that he agreed with him and that he was convinced that we were the cause of all his sorrows and weariness. It really was. But I was numb then that wow I hear this all the time. I am the source of everything bad, never good. I am at fault in every situation even if I somewhat did those things thinking about others rather than myself. I am the black sheep in our family. I am the one who is always selfish and makes everything difficult. I am the sharp object that tears apart any whole thing. I am this I am that I am everything evil never good. I try. I really try but then it never is enough or it never is the right thing to do.

Thinking about the other perspective, why is it that my brother said these things? What is his purpose on saying those. What is his plan? He is way too silent and I know there is so much behind that closed mouth just waiting to burst out. I try to reach out but then he pulls away ALL THE FREAKING TIME. So what does that leave me? I am slowly giving up. If he wants silence and a break with our relationship as siblings, then fine. Be that way. It's your choice. It's honestly even your loss so I do not mind. I know with my heart that I did everything I could to create a bond between us but he's the problem since he didn't want to do anything about it,

I know I'm the one who's at fault. I'm the one who NEEDS to change for the BETTER and for the HAPPINESS of everyone then okay. I will push this just to make this family work. I will not be the cause of our drift or whatever. NO. I swear to become selfless and obedient and honest as I could. I love my parents dearly and I know I take advantage of them but f it. Just for their happiness and to be the daughter they expect me to be I WILL CHANGE. I WILL SACRIFICE. I WILL BE TRUTHFUL. I WILL BE TRUSTED. I WILL BRING THEM ONLY ONE THING- that is happiness.

Fifty-five

... Days into the year twenty fourteen and so far, things has been great.

Honestly speaking, my twenty thirteen ended well especially during the ber months. So much has happened, good and bad, but what sprouted during December made up for the eleven months of twenty thirteen. 

Rewind to December 2013: Tears had been shed, laughters have been shared, jokes have been said and so much. From stressful examinations, continuous expenses, parties, catching up with everyone and so much more, I must say December was truly awesome. But what made it amazing was when everything started on a different scale with him. Unexpected, yes. It really was because I never thought that a friend could be your lover after months of just being friends with no malice or anything or the fact that we both had someone in our lives, though mine ended earlier (June - July) than his (August 2012 - November 2013). We have been teased together during the first months of knowing each other and I did notice that we seemed to be close to each other like there was his energy pushing us together. Haha. Like every time the barkada goes to lunch or whatever we always seem to unknowingly sit beside each other. When walking to class we sometimes just end up walking beside each other and all. I did not out any malice into it as well as him. It was just nothing. But in all honesty, there were countable times when I did admire him and all that I found myself attracted to him though I brushed it off. He was with someone really nice, sweet, charming and beautiful and I did not want to ruin whatever it is they had. I just thought that maybe this was just a phase like how I am with every guy. Well not all guys but I mean just a slight mishap in our friendship. I was mistaken though. So after our semester break, November, they were apparently broken up. Not fully but the girl broke it off with him. And I wanted to be a good friend and I wanted to be close to him. Like we've known each other for six months then and I didn't feel like we were really friends. I wanted to nurture that friendship and make it whole so I came to him with how I heard that they're broken up now that I was there for m and kinda teasing him to tell me the story of how things happened and all. I didn't like, likeim that time. I was just being friendly. BUT the thing is, he wasn't like the easily trusting person and so he didn't tell me what happened. And I just understood him. It wasn't like people just say things and tell things out of the blue or to whoever. I understood how discreet and personal he was. 

So every December, we have this annual exchange gift. I was clueless this year who picked me as my secret Santa. Really really clueless HAHA. And so during our Pre-Christmas dinner we hado ur revelation. And amazingly, he picked me. Fate? But anyhoo it was really cute because he placed so much effort in picking me a really cutey Christmasy sweater and this planner inside a PINK rectangular box, personally and carefully wrapped in green Christmas wrapper by him. Attached was a letter with how he picked his present and telling me that he will tell the Zy story when we had time :) It was really REALLY sweet and I applauded him for that. That was the first incident wherein I saw a guy really putting effort into giving a girl a Christmas gift (considering I was only a friend :) ) So that really made early December a blast for me :) It felt really nice and I really felt good.

So that was early December then came mid December. The a couple of days before the last day of school before Christmas break. We were invited to one of our blockmate's debut in Mandaluyong. We were there and he was also there. We had fun that's for sure and I must say that he looked really sharp. He had to leave a little early since he was also invited to another debut and I honestly didn't want him to leave. I wanted to spend more time with him, talk to him, dance with him and just enjoy the night with him. I didn't really understand how I felt like why am I feeling these all of a sudden? It was really weird yet I just once again brushed the feeling off. So that was it. I just let the night pass though I seriously did enjoy. I even had a picture with him and deep inside, I felt butterflies in my tummy and happiness all over :)

So the night ended with him and a friend brining me to where I was supposed to be picked up. We started texting then and really communing especially during the last day of classes. So I was supposed to help him pack at his dorm but he suddenly vanished and just texted saying how sorry he is that I won't be able to help him pack anymore since it was really messy in his dorm, how unorganized things were and how he had so much more things to do with so little time. I replied saying okay okay and all that good luck packing stuff and he said sorry once more. In short, we didn't really have a proper goodbye when he left. 

So my friend, Carlo, had problems with his best friend which is also a close friend of mine named Clark. He confides me with all his problems. I understood him and I tried my best to be a great friend by listening to him, giving advice, helping him out and just lifting him to shed away the sadness and the sorrow he was feeling. During the night of the twenty first of December, we Skyped. We spoke about his problems and all then we suddenly started talking about him. Carlo then figured out, well he actually assumed that I had feeling for him. And I was like WHUT NO I DO NOT!!! But Carlo was really insisting that I did. And waaaaay deep deeeep down I did have feelings for him yet I didn't realize it not until Carlo made me realize that I had feelings for him. This was a real shock for me. It was the first time that other people realized this for me instead of me realizing it for myself. I wasn't this dense nor numb when it comes to love life. It was really crazy and all but at the end of his teasing and pushing, he made me admit that I did have feelings. Feelings for him. Apparently, that same night was his flight back to his hometown in Davao-General Santos. And Carlo had this bright idea of adding him to the Skype conversation. So I called up Anthony and asked if we could Skype when he gets home and he was up to it. We waited for him to arrive home which was really really really late since his flight got delayed for five hours and all that hassle stuff in the airport. So Carlo got sleepy and he left me to wait for him to Skype. (Newsflash!!! I bet Carlo was faking his sleepiness just to leave us two to Skype -_- which I must say was a brilliant master plan that I liked HAHA ) So then I told him how Carlo left me and all and I even suggested that we don't Skype anymore but yet he insisted :) So when he got home around one or two in the morning, he immediately connected to the Wifi and tried logging in to his account but sadly, the internet was really slow that time and he was unable to connect. I told him to rest instead because he was really tired and all but he gave it another go and tried connecting but still failed. I felt really kilig with how he still tried numerous times just to be able to Skype with me and only if it was with me :) I kinda felt like I had a chance? Like he might, MIGHT have feelings for me as well that it wasn't just one sides or whatnot. That really made my night. So in the end, we both just wished each other good night and slept.

The next day when I woke up, I got this text from him saying "I'm connected yay! Let's Skype!!" Read that text when I just got out of the bathroom so I kinda rushed dressing up just to Skype with him. That really made my morning :) There was this cute awkwardness with how we just stared at each other, smiled, then suddenly laughing, just observing what we can see through each others' screens, and sudden stories we could tell about what's happening with us. It was nice. It was just smooth, light and really really nice. He even opened up about his family's situation and it was nice how he seemed to have trust in me somehow to even share that. ESPECIALLY knowing how discreet he was with his personal life and how he is really choosy in trusting people. So sadly, conversation had to end since I had agenda with the PYC clan. But yet after that we seem to keep on texting each other. He was actually always texting me first then I texted him first at times too. He always kept on updating me with what was happening with him. I was even wondering why he did that. Though I say again: I kinda like him. BUT this was the first time I didn't know if the person liked me back. He was complex and really hard to read. You wouldn't be able to assume anything with him. This made me challenged. This made me work harder in knowing him and in reading him and like being able to know how his mind works, how he really acts, how he decided, and all those. He was different. A great kind of different. I knew him as a friend as someone who is holy, intelligent, sincere, kind, charitable and just a really nice person but in this part of our relationship, I wanted to know him as a lover and more. There were instances where I thought that maybe he does like me. These instances:

1. Everyday texts

2. Small hirits

3. Updates

4. Specific kind of conversations

5. Kwentos

And just the feeling of talking to him. It was amazing. I was incredibly happy even if I didn't yet know how he felt. Christmas passed and we still kept in touch. Then new year also came welcoming 2014 with a sweet light jumping ovation haha. I still dreamt of growing taller even just another inch or two. We still kept in touch. Still texting and knowing a handful about each other. Well that's how things really start. With texts and certain conversations right? So Christmas break was soon coming to an end and that means that school was fast approaching. A day before school resumed, I felt scared. I felt thing pang in my stomach of "What if this was just nothing and that once school starts, all those would end?". I felt that maybe this was all just for the heck of the break to keep in touch? I was afraid. So school came and it went well. I was nervous throughout the day especially when dismissal came. I was picked up from school and I took a deep breath and just sat in the car. I suddenly heard my phone alert for a text message and saw his name :) This made me smile and had a breath of relief. This was absolutely not just for the sake of break. I was thankful and grateful and joyous and ecstatic and excited and just jumpy all over because of so much happiness. The week went through like a waterfall. It was steady, strong and just kept falling and falling and falling like how I was. The following week wash is birthday. I was still unsure with how he felt but all I wanted to do was to make effort and just make him feel special on his special day (we only turn eighteen once in a lifetime) so I just wanted to do something special! It was a huge dilemma whether I'd just give him a present or just surprise him with cupcakes or surprise him with the barkada or surprise him personally. I asked the opinion of all of my friends who knew how I felt and they all advised me to surprise him personally then surprise with the barkada afterwards. They told me to make him feel that it was all my surprise and all the effort to make him feel. Haha. So I did. I prepared during the weekend and surprised him during the thirteenth :) I was all sorts of nervous the night before and during the day itself. It was the first ever extreme effort towards a guy and I just couldn't help myself but somewhat go all in but in control and to just make him feel special. Like really really special. So I came really early to school and prepared breakfast in their rooftop with the help of the one and only Carlo! Then we proceeded to his dorm room door where I lit up Sonja's red velvet cupcake (his fave btw) with cute candles and knocked on his door. And he answered the door and he was surprised hoora!! Success number one yayyy!!! :D And I felt like he was happy how his day started. So we just waited for him to finish dressing up and we rode the elevator. He thought that we were going to go to school but then I pressed the button which would lead to the rooftop. He sort of panicked when we were suddenly left alone in the elevator and proceeding to the roof deck haha. And he gave me that WHY look and it was totally adorable. So when we got to the top flood I lead him to the table where food was set and I made him have breakfast. We just stared at each other well I think I just stared at him while he ate everything. He was thankful and he got a little shy but I was happy he was. I fulfilled my goal which was to make him feel special, to make the day special and to make him feel happiness. I was happy he was happy. The day continued on to a great day! It was really really great. We had a couple more surprises for him and he was happy. I'm glad he was.

Two days after the surprise, I got pretty sick. I felt weak and tired of all the academic stress. I still went to school despite the weariness and when he saw me like this, he showed his caring side. He took care of me which was absolutely sweet. He made me feel cared for, like really really cared for and respected. He made me rest on his bed, fed me, gave me meds and just made me feel cared as if I was his only priority that day. It was nice like really nice :) After an hour's rest we were left alone in his dorm and I was awake. He then started this conversation where he wanted to tell me something. My heart started to pound heavily and fast (tachycardia???).  I felt it. THIS was the MOMENT I have kinda been waiting for. The moment of making things clear, the moment of truth. This excited me and made me suddenly miraculously WELL HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

He was nervous. He really was. But that didn't stop him. He had the courage inside so he started on by telling me things about Zaireene and all those things that has happened. He told me how maybe things ended with them to make way for this (referring to us probably being something more than friends). ow he felt about sudden things. Why he started texting continuously and explaining how his actions were. And it just ended to this: 

GUSTO KITA, TIN.

were his actual words in verbatim. I could not help but feel butterflies, my body weakening with happiness and all the types of kilig from my toes to the tips of my ears. I even covered my face under the blankets because it was really cute and sweet at the same time and I was so thankful God heard my prayer.  He wasn't like the type who could tell everything and he was even amazed with hisself that he was able to tell me what he was really feeling. 

So I started responding by saying that obviously with my actions, I LIKE YOU. 

I felt like maybe I was too easy to get by reciprocating BUT it was how I felt and I didn't want to be fake. I even asked for it and I was at that moment and all I could do was to fulfill his happiness and to admit too how I was feeling. 

I even asked him since when did he had feelings for me and he said, around November. I was really surprised because Novemeber was pretty early that I did not expect that he felt that back when. It was amazing. He cured me hahahahaha. It was a memorable fifteenth of January. The most memorable even :)

After that moment I felt in my heart that this is something worth it. He is different in a way that made want to know him better, to be with him, to make me better and so much more I can no longer enumerate. He makes me happy beyond what I thought happiness could be. I felt that this is something that would go a long way. I felt the assurance that he was absolutely someone special that I would truly nourish, cherish and would fight for to stay in my life.

The days went by smoothly. Everything was slow yet it was at the right exact pacing things should be. I have been in relationships where everything went to fast that I thought just doing whatever made me happy and the other happy was good, that being impulsive wouldn't lead to consequences, that being selfish wouldn't hurt anyone but I was wrong. But now, I feel like I'm with a person who's making everything balanced and actually making me a better person. Bringing out what is good within me and shedding off the worst in me. 

February came and things were really great. I mean I was happy and with what I can see, so was he. I got to know him more and so I opened myself up to him too. We were building trust within each other, building a bond. Slowly but surely. No rush in anything, no pressure, no whatever that could ruin a relationship. We were creating a stable base. A stable foundation that would last a long time.

Q Post: Love For You...

“All of a sudden two decades have passed 

and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, 

or kissed anyone at all for that matter, 

or had a 3 AM conversation with someone 

who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. 

You have never worn a lover’s sweater 

or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom 

just so you would have an excuse to see them again. 

You have never even stood face-to-face 

with someone who makes your hands shake so hard 

it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.


This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness 

but above all, 

an overwhelming curiosity. 

Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, 

that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?


The answer is no. 

The better answer is that someone out there, 

somewhere in the world, is 

“wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” 

and they have two decades worth of love 

stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, 

and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. 

All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.


At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff 

with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, 

long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. 

Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, 

arms outstretched around a ghost, 

pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, 

someone else’s eyes boring into yours.


Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, 

fell in love with anybody who so much 

as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. 

For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day 

was a coping mechanism for not having anyone 

to love you in return. 

But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them 

does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. 

One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate 

for human contact that you’re going to snap in half 

and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.


But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, 

or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. 

They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. 

They are just like you. 

They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places 

and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.


The truth is that they are just like you, 

and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. 

They’re what you might call a soulmate.


They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, 

but you’re really both two halves of a whole.


And one day you’ll meet them, 

bump into them on the street, 

and your two halves will be put together, 

and you’ll make one.”

Writings For Winter - For Twenty Year-Olds who have never been loved. 

On Death

Death.... That would be my dear most end of pure happiness. I've got nothing to live for. I feel beats I feel unimportant and irrelevant in this world, especially with my family. So what's the use?? Better yet that I just did tomorrow and be over with it