I woke up today ahead of my alarm. It was cold in my room despite the electric fans weren't turned on with my sheets covering me. It was still really dark outside. I swear I still saw the moon above the sky. I started my day with a kinda warm bath and got ready for school.
I then realized that it was the third day that my father and I haven't been in good terms. We were 'kroo kroo' since Sunday evening when I got home late from Batangas. Silent treatment once again for my disobedience and wrong doings. I presumed that today would be the day where he would finally talk to me. Not just talk but scold me, get angry at me and so much more. He brought me to school. Fifteen minutes into the usual forty five minute drive to school, he started asking me why I got home past my curfew, if I was telling the truth about our agenda that Sunday and more. Of course I defended myself and told him half of the truth and also what he wanted to hear. But then it wasn't working. The typical him still got mad at me and went on scolding me for being untruthful, disobedience, discontented, ungrateful, selfish and the list goes on. I could honestly name a hundred adjectives that my father uses when he scolds me. (though I must make a special solo post for that.) Kidding aside, I don't think of my father that he's mean and unloving but it's just that he's too much when he gets mad. Going back to what happened, he then said what my brother told him, that we were killing him due to all the frustrations my siblings and I cause him. It was so hurtful to hear that he agreed with him and that he was convinced that we were the cause of all his sorrows and weariness. It really was. But I was numb then that wow I hear this all the time. I am the source of everything bad, never good. I am at fault in every situation even if I somewhat did those things thinking about others rather than myself. I am the black sheep in our family. I am the one who is always selfish and makes everything difficult. I am the sharp object that tears apart any whole thing. I am this I am that I am everything evil never good. I try. I really try but then it never is enough or it never is the right thing to do.
Thinking about the other perspective, why is it that my brother said these things? What is his purpose on saying those. What is his plan? He is way too silent and I know there is so much behind that closed mouth just waiting to burst out. I try to reach out but then he pulls away ALL THE FREAKING TIME. So what does that leave me? I am slowly giving up. If he wants silence and a break with our relationship as siblings, then fine. Be that way. It's your choice. It's honestly even your loss so I do not mind. I know with my heart that I did everything I could to create a bond between us but he's the problem since he didn't want to do anything about it,
I know I'm the one who's at fault. I'm the one who NEEDS to change for the BETTER and for the HAPPINESS of everyone then okay. I will push this just to make this family work. I will not be the cause of our drift or whatever. NO. I swear to become selfless and obedient and honest as I could. I love my parents dearly and I know I take advantage of them but f it. Just for their happiness and to be the daughter they expect me to be I WILL CHANGE. I WILL SACRIFICE. I WILL BE TRUTHFUL. I WILL BE TRUSTED. I WILL BRING THEM ONLY ONE THING- that is happiness.
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