Wall Post: You, Yourself & You

Day Seven

A hundred and fifty-nine hours had passed since we last spoke and for the past days, all I've been thinking of is him and the situation at hand. Mostly I was just thinking "Why won't he text me?" For days I've been waiting for a text or a phone call of just something from him communicating to me but he did nothing. A feeling even crossed my mind that maybe it was already over? Or maybe he's just too guilty of what he had done that he could not find the courage to talk to me. Or maybe he's too shy to explain whatever it is that's on his mind. Or maybe he just does not know what to say. Or maybe he's waiting for me to talk to him so we're just waiting for each other and with that nothing would happen. 

And this suddenly crossed my mind. Maybe I was selfish for just thinking about myself and what happened. Flashback: it all started with how he acted last Sunday. He was distant, kinda cold and really not himself and I wondered about that a lot of times already. And the word selfishness just suddenly popped in my mind yesterday. Maybe I was too selfish for thinking only about myself. What if the reason why he was acting as how he did was because he had something going on? maybe he had problems of his own and he acted that way. What if he needed me but I wasn't there for him? I thought a lot about it and it is a big possibility. Why would someone act that way right? Or maybe he just suddenly lost interest? There are a lot of what ifs, buts and other questions bothering me and I just need for us to finally talk to each other to really clear things up. All we need to do is talk and I hope that happens. 

I told my friends about this (By the way a couple of them already has him because of what he's doing but majority of them understands the situations). I told them what I've thought about yesterday which was maybe I was just selfish. I shared this idea: I think I should text him because if I don't, I don't think we'd ever talk again nor will I be at peace with what's really gonna happen. I also told them that maybe I should have texted him "Good luck on your UPCAT." last Saturday but i did not and they thought it was a good idea especially the good luck test but I lost my chance. I did not wish him good luck. But they are considering me texting him already. I'm kinda glad they agreed with me. I know PRIDE was and is still is a problem here. But the problem is, I could not really form what I wanted to tell him. I know I want to tell him how I feel, what I've been experiencing the past days, my questions, the possibilities, where we stand, how he is, what's going on with him, ask what he feels and is thinking and a lot more especially asking for time if we can talk in person. All of those I wanted to text in one long message but I seriously could not find the words to even start my text. And I seriously can not tell him that I've been feeling down, bothered, stressed, sad, kinda heart broken and all those because I so do not want to look weak. I mean what if I say those and he does not even feel the same right? I would look so dumb saying all those and I would have made a big fool out of myself which I would never want to happen. I have honestly been there and it's one of the worse things that anyone could feel. Going back though, I also wanted to tell him how I miss him but I'm afraid that he won't feel e same. Maybe the span of us not talking had changed how he feels or felt towards me. I'm afraid to lose someone whom I know I would regret in the future. I've missed my chance with my ex boyfriend because I let him go for some childish dumb reason. And with this present guy, I do NOT want to regret this anymore. I want to do my best to somewhat save this and make progress after. He has been the only reason why I am happy the past two months and I do not want that happiness taken away from me. I do not want to sound desperate, especially to him, but that's how I honestly feel. I'm just really afraid that after a year, when I see he's doing better and with someone who is extremely happy that I'd regret this. 

I gave this some serious talk. After telling my friends they pushed me to text him. They understood my point that maybe I was selfish and prideful and I accept that. I took some time, focused and concentrated on myself, what I feel, how I feel and looked for the words, the right words to say. I started of by saying hey and told him a glimpse of how I felt, what was on my mind and what I wanted to happen which is for us to talk. I sent it three hours ago and I'm just hoping he replies. Just the fact that he would reply is a great thing for me. I don't expect that we'd be able to fix whatever but I hope. I hope for the best. I hope for a good and fruitful conversation.

I miss him and a single text would ease that. I really like him and I hope he still feels the same. 

Let's Work for THIS

It's another great day to work our asses off. Come on lazy bottoms!!!

Third Party

I have always been the second option. I mean come on. Why am I always that one girl who doesn't get chosen first. I've been inking actually maybe I'm always the second choice maybe because I make those guys happier than with whom they are currently with but I mean what kind of guy does that? I hate lying and cheating falls under that category but what I mean is why? Why do those guys who like me has to be taken? I've been through liking three or four different guys who are apparently taken. And since they are taken I immediately back off. I'm not the stealer type because I've been through that situation where someone left me for a different person and it feels so bad. It's like getting one of your organ  removed from you where you have no choice at all because it was already removed. Feeling betrayed, stabbed, and everything else that feels so humiliating. It's not like you have a choice if someone leaves you right? You'd feel broken and cheated and believe me, your self-esteem would definitely fall. You'd wonder to yourself, why did this person do this to me? What did I lack in? Was I not enough? Was I not good? Did you just not want me anymore? A lot of questions are going to be asked but in the end you'd be left alone.

With this whatever you call this thing that I have right now, everything started really smoothly. Everything was actually perfect. I missed how great it felt to be liked, to be praised, to be taken care of, to be thought of, to be sweet to and all that and I was terribly happy. Everyone saw it in my eyes, in my smiles and in my laughs. I was a total different person because I was happy. I kinda understand myself why I became like that because I missed the feeling of being loved. I really missed it and this guy gave me all that. Everything was perfect until that day came and in addition, the things that I saw. How can someone so lovely and beautiful be so deceiving? Cheating? Making me the third party??? I mean come on man. That happiness just suddenly came out of me in a snap. Like a black hole sucked every bit of happiness I was feeling. Everything seemed to collapse around me like how could this happen? I did not fully believe at first what I saw so I confronted him about it but I was let down. I did not feel being fought for like I was nothing to him. I was really wondering why could this happen like I could no accept what had happened. 

It has been five fucking days since we last spoke. Do you even think of me? If he really liked me, he would have done something or said something just to make me feel something even anything. I need closure or just words to somewhat make me understand or to just let me know what the truth is. I feel so down in the dumps that I can't even focus with school, act properly around my family, talk enthusiastically with my friends and all. I feel like I just want to be alone. I know this is bad but this is how I feel. I'm tired of faking smiles around people just to make them not worry about me. I feel so beaten up and I beat up myself about this situation. I feel so forsaken, forgotten and irrelevant. I feel invisible. I just want to be kept unspoken to and alone. I want peace and solidarity like fuck you don't talk to me unless you're him and that he wants to explain everything freely, honestly and sincerely. Don't get me wrong, he is sincere but I can't seem to fully believe him? I don't know I jut can't seem to feel the honesty? Maybe because he hasn't passed the trustworthy barrier for me. 

I am not myself right now and I kinda blame him and myself. I am honestly too hung up on him like fuck him why did he do this to me? And fuck me for liking him too much that thinking about him and the situation consumes me. I can't do things properly at all. I just focus of releasing everything I feel which is anger and hurt. Though I can not seem to fully hate him and show how angry I really am like removing the smile mask and bringing the hell devil me. No I can not actually do that. I constantly think about him and even if my friends are disapproved of him already I still defend him which is actually stupid come to think of it. He is honestly a stupid douche for doing these things but I can not seem to figure out what the truth really is.  I usually am able to know the truth but in this situation oh damn I so can not. 

Another thing is that it is so hard to tell what he's thinking. I have not really figured him out in the sense that I don't know how he thinks, how he would react to certain occurrences, how he would respond to words, how he would act about a certain situation and all that. I do not fully know him and I regret not knowing that for the first month we've been seeing each other. And I regret no fully knowing the real him during those two months. 

It has been over five freaking days since he last spoke to me. I mean man. Where are your effing balls like come on? Are you not going to do anything? Or are you waiting to see me so you could do or say whatever it is that you want in person? 

A lot of my friends have given me their opinions about it and it is a long list of possibilities I would like to share:

1. Maybe he does not know what to say or do so he just chose to give you space. 

2. Maybe he's caught up in his lies and he just chose to forget about you leaving you with no closure. 

3. Maybe he's waiting for Sunday to see you and surprise you to make up for what had happened

4. Maybe he needed time to think for himself what he did wrong, where he went wrong and etc.

5. Maybe he's so dumb to figure out that he should talk to me rather than just shutting up

6. Maybe he cheated on his girlfriend and he feels guilty for doing so, so he just chose to be loyal and forget about the other girl which is me

7. Maybe he just suddenly lost interest in me so he chose to stop communicating

8. Maybe he suddenly realized that he did not really like me so he stopped 

9. Maybe he's just a real douche who keeps on liking girls, when he gets bored with them leaves them like deserted islands or whatever like trash 

MY MIND IS KIND OF EXPLODING BECAUSE SUNDAY IS NEAR AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. I DO NOT KNOW IF I WOULD LET SUNDAY BE THE LAST DAY OF CHANCE OR THE ELEVENTH TO SEE IF HE WOULD EFFORT TO HIS SO CALLED GIRLFRJVFLVJDVOJSO JS WHO BY THE WAY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HOMO ERECTUS LIKE A NOMAD LIKE A BAFOON. SHE'S SHRIMP/HIPON (ugly face sexy body) and SHE'S RICH BUT COME ON WHY WOULD YOU TRADE ME FOR THAT?!!!!! Violent reaction much? But seriously I am kinda better looking, older, smarter, sweeter and more caring than her but with experience and what they've been through mayb that weighs more. Ok of course it weighs more but how could he? 

I just need the truth and I'm done. 

The TRUTH is seriously all I need to finish this unending thoughts

I NEED. THE. TRUTH. TO STOP ME FROM MAKING A FOOL OUT OF MY SELF

As they say: the TRUTH will set you FREE

Games: It's a Zombie Addiction and a Probable Zombie Apocalypse

A PikPok game is just cool!

How long can you run and move away from zombies?

I seriously got pretty addicted to this game because

 number one: it's a zombie game

number two: there are tons of zombies

number three: there are weapons to kill zombies

number four: it's just fun to get high scores

number five: you get to kill zombies

number six: ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!

A definite must try! 

You just move left or right to not be eaten be eaten by the zombies

you get to pick up weapons with limited shots/gasoline

you get to kill zombies!

A MadFingerGames creation is just awesome. 

From the graphics, movements and just everything is too awesome for my life

I sooo love zombie games and everything zombies cause they are too awesome

and with this game my golly goodness I just instantly got addicted! 

C'MON

FREAKING ZOMBIES WITH GLOWING EYES

ZOMBIES

ZOMBIES

GUNS

GUNS

WEAPONS

BOMBS

ZOMBIES

ZOMBIES

AWESOME GRAPHICS

AWESOME CONTROLS

AWESOME EVERYTHING!!!!

They even have special games per area-season! 

It is so fun and I've been playing this game for the past seven days STRAIGHT!!!!

It is really addicting and just pure awesomeness

Good job MadFinger Games!!!